As Much As It Depends On You

Growing up in rural Nova Scotia in the 50’s was a blast. Post war North America had its challenges, but hey, we were on the road to change. The nuances of the family model, the dynamics of sovereignty over liberty and the rush to modernize a society, shaken by economic and philosophical disasters, were all part of the great picture. Wow… that was a mouth full. I wonder if I actually know what that all means. Ha… In other words… there really was change in the air. That generation wanted something better for family, and was willing to go over their heads in debt and competition to do so. They felt the inalienable right to freedom and were willing to do whatever it took to keep it… that was after 2 world wars… never to be fought again. Who knew… wars had been going on since Cain and Abel and for all the wrong reasons and are still going on today! What about those “Holy Wars”… now there is a conflict of terms. Again I digress. Like no other generation for decades, we had the options that were now available to us for good health, good schools, better homes, new cars… and STUFF!

It was all part of that time. I am not sure when someone penned the term keeping up with the Jones’, but I am certain it must have been early on in “Biblical terms” for sure. What we often failed to see, was the constant barrage of “one-upmanship” that was taking place. Oh, I don’t mean to say that we were totally unaware of it, but with contempt for past struggles from our parents, youth now labouring to make a difference and the eyes of a new generation of youth opened to all there was to ask for “now”, what an impact change made. Why back then I even thought some of my neighbours seemed to be able to get it all. Of course I could too, but on a different level or so I thought at the time. What we couldn’t see was the internal struggles that all these changes created, on all parts of family and society… some good and others not.

I loved the story I heard some time ago. An old lady who came to the grocery store was confronted by a young clerk who seemed to blame past generations for all the ills of the “now” generation. The little old lady defended herself with the joys of a simpler life and expounded on the variety of hardships that were just a matter of course for her youth… Well… maybe you had to read it yourself to appreciate the validity of its argument. Each generation seems to somehow love to place the blame elsewhere in some quarters of life. Somehow we forget that each generation has its dose of the “gimmies”. We want to have the “better” life, the healthier body, the more secure future and sometimes are willing to pay the piper to exact the price. Oops… did I digress again? LOL

I’ve been sitting here with my Bible, reflecting on those ideas this morning. Yes, even former Pastors need to refuel and keep their eyes and hearts tuned to God’s will, every moment of every day. I was reading about Paul’s take, as he writes back to the people in the church in Galatia. It seems to be that there is a personal responsibility that must always be considered in daily life. There is no sweeping that charge under the mat, and it creates a pile of stress for many people in a “me” society. I know that many would say, “it is where we are today, but hey… let’s not ignore our past generations completely.” It seems that too often we somehow get caught in those old ideas, that things were better back then or the proposition that the world has always been going to the dogs. Somewhere in the midst of all this there is the “constant” … the human factor… we’ve always had; that word again… the “gimmies”.

A phrase that has often made me feel a bit unsettled down through the years, found in Romans 12:18, and stated in various ways in the breadth of modern translations is… “as much as it depends on you…”. Wow… nothing like pouring on a bit of pressure here Paul. Eugene Peterson in his paraphrase of the Bible puts it a bit differently; “… If you’ve got it in you…”. This variation in expressions may help us fathom out (ok so I used a nautical term here, meaning to explore its depths) where our responsibility lies. We have been taught, in religious terms, that God provides the way… He always has, right? Well, yes… but that is not the whole answer. He has always given His creation the choice, the option to follow or get left behind. Some would say, “Where is the love in that?” But God is “Sovereign”; not like our childhood desire to be “king of the castle”, and He does have a way of exacting His will and it is His right to do so, as King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I know those are somewhat archaic terms to many, but nonetheless important in our dialogue here. I know there is not a parent out there who has not experienced giving their child a rule or guideline and then stood by, knowing all along that the child would do whatever they wanted behind their backs, while saying nothing, so the child will learn from their mistakes. We bring children into this world and we do our best (I hope) to guide them to that which will enlarge their lives in positive and moral directions toward a better life… and if we have known the “Truth” we will have undergirded it with Christ! So why do we get excited when God says “no” and then lets stuff happen. He is the parent of humanity! One day, the Word tells us, whether we are ready or not, there will be a face to face with life… not past, but eternal. God, for His reasons, gets His way and all He has asked of us is love and obedience.

Personally, I sometimes wish that the matter was out of our hands all together. Wouldn’t it be nice to wake up in the morning and never have to worry about the problems of this ol’ world? From the planet’s hungry, to the disappearing rain forests and the melting of the polar caps; not to mention the little things that annoy us and cause those moments of grief from day to day, or perhaps a few of those grey hairs that appear from nowhere, once the crawlers turn to toddlers, then to teens while they are still only 10, and so on. Life in general can be hard to handle. Even the workplace is no longer a safe haven in terms of a guaranteed security as the dynamic of change creates a “fluid society” in every aspect of that term. Everything is in motion and that fluidity can cause economic growth and decline in almost the same breath. But, life and faith does not work that way. When things fall apart we still go on and I see that being necessary in practical terms, as well as faith, being lived out every day.

It would assist us to re-read the tenets of our faith from time to time. I love the portion that James writes in chapter 2, verses 14 to 22. He reminds us there that we don’t have the freedom or the right, to close off the rest of the world and live just to ourselves. There is no escaping the accountability that is always before us, in terms of our love “shining forth” in more than a few kind words (and for those of us who love to go the extra step and add to that a warm hug) before ushering the “wanting” of this world on their way.

So, it seems that every day there will be the tide of responsibility before us. Changes needing to be made will seem to be insurmountable, for the leadership in business, the political arena, but also in the home. My thought is that it took us generations (innumerable) to get to this state and it may take a whole lot more to straighten it all out… not taking it back to a simpler life with a primitive lifestyle, but saving and restoring, if possible the goodness that is a given potential. Here comes that kicker... It is tied to that phrase that can upset the weary and challenge the busy, “As much as it depends on you!” That’s the hardest part of all. It is more like living on the edge than anything else I have experienced in daily life… not bad; it just depends on how you define the view, and in this case the responsibility, from there.

On Cramming for the Finals

The phrase “If you don’t, you won’t” still haunts me… Teachers, parents and fellow students all had their own take on that phrase. I remember hearing my Dad use the little rhyme, “If you do it when you get to it, you may never get to it, to get at it again!” Wow… a breakthrough in mainline philosophy... yet is sticks in my craw along with many of the adages that haunt me from childhood and those formative years in school and later on in my 14 years of university study. Yes… I was a slow learner. It took me 32 years to decide that I actually was supposed to go to university after all; even though one of my mentors in high school told me it would be better for me to just go out and be a good mechanic. Of course Dad would hear none of that and he stuck to the “Pastor” dream even when I had no idea he thought that way until some 15 years later! I digress!… LOL! In high school the thought process was always, you need to study more and cram for finals. I guess I missed the handing out of that trait the day they were being distributed in class. My theory was always listen in class, do the homework while still in school, be ready to play any sport and well… can I admit this… strut your stuff for the girls. My thoughts were, sports and girls were most important in my educational preparation for life.

Well, that theory lasted about 10 minutes. I was good at sports and even won the coveted best all around athlete in high school one year. Then something happened… responsibility set in. Yup, it has a way of taking over where high ideals thought that they had the upper hand. So, I had work to do. Along with the challenges of small “p” political involvement in school, there was the work outside, in after school labour at the local grocery store. I spent about 9 years there through teenage and married life in various levels of the job. But, I couldn't seem to find the right fit. I entered the business world and then in the mid 80’s I finally felt called to what Dad identified as, my true life’s work. Ha! “Dad… couldn't you have said something sooner!”… “No…I knew you needed to prepare first!” It was like a call to cram for the finals all over again.

Did I say that I crammed for finals? Well, perhaps I had better set the record straight on that while I am at it. All that talk about doing so, was one day dashed to its final end, when a favorite teacher gave an insight that suited me to a tee! His take was this…"what you accomplish in cramming is very little… do the work through the year… understand what you read and are taught, as you go through life, and you will be able to write the finals without cramming. The night before the finals go out and take in a movie, go on a date, (like ya… that was gonna happen! LOL) but don’t cram… it just proves that you can memorize and not necessarily understand the work."

So off I went to university. Still holding to the theory of my favourite teacher, I held to the task of sitting in the front row, with open mind and listening ears. I did my work as much in advance as I could while trying to be there for my wife Karen, bringing up 3 children, starting immediate part-time pastoral work and doing part-time electrical work to help augment the cost of university. Oh, did I mention I took 7 courses that first year. So... they tell me that I made the dean’s list that year… who cared… the work was just beginning. The funny part was that I was at the same time, on academic probation because I had not done so well in high school…LOL! Ah yes, cramming for the finals never worked for me!

If we lived life the way we thought it always worked, what a stew we would be in. I have friends who I have been praying for down through the years. They are in the bracket of those who prefer to cram. You know the type. “I don’t have time now”, or “I am going to but need to find myself first”. I met a man one day who said, “ The things I have done in life (in times of war) God could never forgive me for” What he was saying was that he couldn’t forgive himself. That is sometimes the challenge. But the biggest stumbling block is the excuse … “not now Lord… I am too busy”, “I will later… I want to live my own way now… there will be lots of time later on in life”. Like those exams of old, life tends to bring what we least expect to the table. It seemed every year that those exams held topics and questions that we had never covered in class… which of course is the case. We are responsible to read the literature and understand the themes, concepts and meaning of what is being covered between the pages. That can be a whole life's work!

So life has its final exam too! Cramming is not good effort or practice. I am glad that with the finals always before us, we can have the option of spending our time in constant review, but also more importantly to take time to rejoice, worship, confess and fellowship with Him who marks the final when it is examined. Don’t lose track of where you are in the final semester by leaving it all to the night before… we don’t know when that will night come. Living on the edge takes constant preparation, but hey… it is all about enjoying the view from there!

Out For The Day… I’ve Gone Away…. “NOT!”

Life has a way of bringing its most unexpected challenges, when we are not ready. Just when we think that all that could happen has happened, another swat from nowhere can take its toll on our everyday existence. That is not to say that it shouldn’t happen. Our nature, being that of human, and for the most part predominantly in favour of immortality, just seems to negate the idea of something more happening. Not having total control just goes against the grain of that ideal we set for ourselves… the dream of attaining the “satisfying life”. Yes, life goes its own pathway sometimes and we cling to the straws of hope and end up having to go along for the ride.

Some will have noticed that it has been over a year since I last entered a new chapter in my blog. Much water has flowed under the bridge in that time. Many will know that while in India in 2012 I contracted an e-coli bug that sent me for a loop. I had only been there for about 5 days, on our 17 day trip, and my lectures were just beginning. Having already made 3 previous trips and not having any problems with the food or water, I naturally felt that God had placed a wall of protection around my system. Yet, this trip was fraught with illness among the team members, far more than in other years. I was not the only team member hospitalized, though the only lecturer over the 4 years of visits to India. I struggled to continue after release from the hospital and was able to complete the lectures, though much diminished in capacity and energy. I finished the tour and returned home to immediate hospitalization again and spent many long months struggling to get my strength back, only to discover that it may take 12 to 18 months perhaps for my system to recovery satisfactorily. Consequently, I was not able to go back to India in 2013 and am waiting for the Lord to direct any further trips in future.

Strangely, many of my friends and family have taken the subjective approach to the situation with the thought that this is a good thing. Not my illness, but that it has shown that overseas travel in such primitive surrounds is not always a good thing. I on the other hand, will echo the thoughts of a former missionary who when asked about the fear of perhaps dying, while in service in such a difficult country, answered that he had no fear, he had died before he left home. We need to understand that God does not call and then send His people unprepared… even for death. We must die to self, daily; otherwise we cannot be truly in service to our Lord and King… we will always cling to some element of self-need or identification… that desire to live forever on our terms not His. Human nature calls us to equip ourselves and God calls us to let go and let Him equip us… all else is in vain.

So over the past year I will admit that I have had good days and bad days. Yes, I have hit low days of depression and struggled to remember that in all of this there is something greater than what my concerns are. Thankfully, over the past months, I have pictured the face of Jesus and heard Him say, “Yet not my will, but Thine be done!” It has been a journey that I would not have desired to take, but one that has been worth the taking nevertheless. It has made me look at another perspective of living near the edge and remembering that doing so is not always bad… it just depends on how we define the view while living there.

I thank you for your prayers during this journey through illness. I thank you taking the time to read my journal. I thank God for His love for His creation and for caring for those who are the disenfranchised and forgotten in this world. I pray that God will raise me up again to more work for Him in India, if that is His will. Until then I will pray for others and continue to share my thoughts and life journal with those who care to read and faithfully labour in the vineyard here at home.

Blessings!

The Place Where We Begin

I remember in my youth building caves in the piles of snow that were accumulated by the plowing of our driveway, or by the clearing of a path to the house, through snow drifts . These large heaps of snow afforded us the space to make caverns and tunnels, which much to the worry of my dear mother were favorites for hideaways for hours on end. There was always the warning, "Be careful, it will cave in and that will be the end of you!". But even though there were those frequent mishaps, I always seemed to survive the collapse, and the end, but I could never understand why all that work need be destroyed so quickly. That was just childhood folly... we spent hours rebuilding again.

In discussing Psalm 22:1, Denis Lane, director of Overseas Missionary Fellowship, wrote that when the roof caves in, the first question that often comes to us is the same question Jesus asked: My God, my God, why…?”

Lane said: Asking the question is perfectly natural. We all ask it. There is nothing wrong, but that is usually the place where we begin.… God does not always answer our “why” questions, but He does understand our asking them. Jesus was given no answering voice as He hung upon the cross.… The resurrection was still three days in the future.

I wish that I could say that the roof has never caved in, but that is not the case. Through the years there have been moments that I felt the weight of the roof as it fell on my shoulders with a roaring crash. Some years ago when told that I may have Thyroid Cancer and would need some drastic surgery, my heart was broken and my life held the weight of the coming crash. We all have those moments. But God is in those moments with us.

My life did not end... hence I am here writing today. Nor did I in the end need to have some radical surgeries. God was in the midst of answering prayers, He was at work changing sickness into health, He was healing me to go do other things. I know what Lane meant about our cries being heard, but not having them necessarily being answered immediately. There has to be a place from which we begin... a place where we give it all to God and let it be what He wants it to be... without losing hope.

Years ago I had to let go of my mother, as she went away to the "cure" for T.B. for a whole year. It was a time of testing. She held us at arms length and told us that Mommy has to go away, but that she would be back. Our tears of fear were there and my little heart cried out in my own way; "My God, my God, why?" (I was known to sit on the front granite gate post at a very early age of around 3-4 and talk to God.) Even then, a child's heart can grasp the concept of one greater who hears our cries, our petitions and our general conversations. Was it mere chance that God would speak to one so small? Was it mere circumstance that brings a settled soul to the edge and expects that soul to be calm, non-resistant and accepting of what may be?

This is the place we sometimes find ourselves... the place where we begin. Many will ask, begin what? Begin to let go. That is the difficult part of the exercise. Letting go of that which we can not change. Being willing to accept that which is before us, yet ready to live life faithfully to the end. There is no secret formula. Most would not recognize the ingredients until they were faced with the conundrum before them. Looking into the face of that which you can not change is humbling, yet strength comes not in the resolve to conquer, but in the release. A peace that enables the pain, even of the cure.

Well, life is a joy most days, when we let go and see the morning mists and watch the sunsets and be reminded that it is all for us. Imagine that... all for us! So if the sunrises and sunsets are for us, so are the storms, the disasters and disappointments... they are all for us to experience and begin again. This morning as I strolled down to the waterfront, just a few feet from our house... I had to begin again... a new resolve to be happy, be content and let go and allow God to finish His work begun in me.

Yes... each sunrise is living on the edge.. the edge of another coming day and each sunset the edge of another day at its end... awaiting a new dawn... a new edge! Blessings!

When I Awake at Break of Day

When I wake at break of day,

And hear my Master’s voice so softly say;

“Go now with power from on high”,

My soul would then release its sigh.

And as the sunset or’ takes the day,

I’ll hear my Master’s voice to say:

“Go to your rest… you need not cry,

I heard your heart and that deep sigh.”

“As sleep comes and completes the day,

You’ve been found walking in the “Way”.

Take rest now and release that pain,

For holding such … there’s naught to gain.”

“This day I held your hand so weak,

I heard your cry, yet did not speak.

I picked you up when you stumbled today,

As you walked along with feet of clay.”

“Each day I’m here… I hold your hand,

For that’s my work in “our” Father’s plan.

For time will bring both peace and pain,

My peace, is what you need to gain”.

“ And as you wake at break of day,

And feel the stress along the “Way”,

It is My call on your life you’ll feel,

It is My path that will help you heal.”

“Take heart my child I’m at your side,

Through thick and thin with me abide.

And when the final rest you’ll take,

There’s a “NEW” dawn… when you awake.”  Allen14/02/12

This got away, (published) before I added my "other living near the edge" thoughts.LOL... Is there ever a moment when I am ready to face the day fully aware of what may be out there to face and overcome? No... so sad to relate... I must depend on God's Spirit to keep me going, for my spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

I don't know why the phrase "feet of clay" became so important this morning, but for the fact that we all carry that inside which brings no comfort, but weighs us down by its mere capacity to overwhelm. We cling to so many things that, should the world know, we would shrink to the lowest depths. These include fear, worry, despair, anxiety and any manner of sin both personal and corporate (meaning that which effects others) such as anger, bias and outright hatred of anyone that may be different. We carry quietly and fearfully those burdens which when given to God in confession and with contrite heart, are forgiven and forgotten.

But we don't leave them there. We often pick them back up and continue to carry them as though God can not forgive... yet it is we who can not forgive ourselves, thus nullifying what God is doing through Christ... what God accomplished in His dying on the cross... for those very sins... past, present and future... all for us... Not for Him!

I live along the edge of that rim of life each day. I become angry when I should remain calm. I am crushed and defeated, when I should have fully the Power of Christ in my soul! I cry deeply in my soul and tears of exhaustion flow from my eyes, when it should be tears of joy for Christ has taken on my sin and pain even though I do not deserve His love. Paul says that this is a human battle.. one that continues between that which should be and that which still remains. "Paraphrased he says; "That which I should, I do not do and that which I don't want to do, I do... so within me a spiritual war continues" While there is some consolation in hearing Paul confess his weaknesses, I remain some days in sadness of heart for my inability to get beyond the weakness of the flesh that will tear us down in a moment and crush us with fear and guilt.

So, I listen and wait for the voice of Jesus. It is not always heard in the silence of the waiting heart, it may be heard in the voice of a stranger calling us to truth, the kindness of a fellow-worker in the "Way" who brings good news or consolation one day, it surely is the prayers of our "loved ones" who hold us before the Lord daily. He comes to us both personally as we read His Word and secretly as we live our lives in Him day to day. This is living on the edge.

I pray that as you greet the sunrise (should you rise that early) or watch the sunsets (should you take the time to look) you will be mindful that you are not alone. God has provided His Spirit as per Jesus' request (John 14:15-17) and He is there for me and you. Go for a walk along the edge today...“Living near the edge is not bad, it has moments of testing, moments of required courage and moments of extreme joy... It's all in how we define the view from there.” Edwin Allen “07”

Blessings this Valentine's Day 2012

Waiting For Flight Plan

Many of you have likely wondered where I have gone since my writing came to what seemed like an abrupt end. Well, life sends us on journeys that may take us away for a while, but eventually brings us back to what is most important and to those roots which make the most sense. That is not to say that God takes us to places which make no sense, but we measure our reality through human eyes and the context is quite often hard to evaluate and accept. Moses, I am sure, wondered why he was going back to Egypt, when he felt comfortable in the fields of his father-in-law, as a herder. Well, God takes us on journeys that have meaning and into places where we feel uncomfortable and we may even come to the point as to question His motives and plans for our lives. 

Well, that may have been part of the journey over the past 2 years for me. I made the decision to follow the Lord’s leading and the journey was long and hard. I was caused to examine my life, evaluate the ministry to which I had been called and was put so far into debt that I wondered if I would ever see the light of day, as expenses rose and income fell. But, I had to ask the question…. Was God in the journey? Was he pushing me nearer the edge to test my metal? Did He want to know if I knew myself and my skill sets and abilities and want me to measure what was important and what could be left behind? Well, I guess maybe that was the situation.

I find myself now, after 2 years, back to my roots. Back in my hometown, in my home Church, walking, working on small items and, as Frank (an electrician’s joke) once said in the comics, “I am taking some time off to let my eyebrows grow back!” The time I will spend over the next several months will be filled with an exercise in faithfulness. Faithfulness to the tasks at hand, which will include my annual trip to India to teach, more time spent in prayer and study, some renovations and repairs on our properties and as the temperatures pick up just a bit, some long morning walks. I want to spend more time reflecting on the journey. I want to see the sunrises and sunsets, have the wind blow in my face… if I can get the sailboat in the water this spring coming and for sure, hold hands on long walks with my dear wife. A year off… but not sitting still and more than I have to.

So how do we approach the edge when we see it coming? I suspect that we all have our personal take on that confrontation, but I have a tendency to just wait out the various aspects of the trip and evaluate the bends and potholes as they arrive. I remember asking myself whether I wanted to travel the east end of the Shore Rd. to the cottage (it was rough and full of deep ruts ) in the Spring, or take the western route, most of which was newly paved and made it easier on the car’s frame and running gear. Well, most of the time I took the same old route, but drove slower than usual and took my chances on not damaging the car. But damage was done nevertheless. Tires took a beating, alignment went askew, and the shaking made my back and joints ache. It had it its consequences! So, the question arises… do I just take chances and am willing to pay the consequences? It seems that way doesn’t it. Is the short way always the right way, does the hard path make us harder, tougher, more resilient for the next journey?

Living near the edge and approaching the edge is not always about the journey. It is sometimes about the preparation. Sometimes we need to do more prep work. I have asked myself a thousand times over the years in His work, if I am running ahead of His plans. My prayer life spans the gamut from fervent request to a complete walk of faith, and I still remain in awe of the fact that God answers after the fact as much as he does beforehand, much of the time. Knowing that expectation is the key, we have to decide which set of expectations we are to follow. There is first of course God’s. Then there are those of kith and kin, the workplace, the corporate eye of doers and dreamers in the faith and finally our own set of rules, limits and foundational truths from which we have scaled, modified, confirmed, shaped and lived our lives thus far. Solomon said, “vanity, it is all vanity!” and I am of a mind to agree with him more and more each day.

That is not to say that I am about to throw it all away, sit back and let death come as it may! No way! I am like the true explorer; I still want to see what God has in store. I don’t want to move away from the edge… being near the edge has its advantages. You get to see both sides much better… the perspective is great if you keep your eyes on God, in Christ Jesus, with the Spirit at the helm and not having our own personal enterprise or requirements holding us back. I would like to say that it is a challenge! None of us are that pure that we need not evaluate self-motive, self- image and our own expectations. No, they should always be under scrutiny and left to be checked by the Holy Spirit, for His judging and leading. All too often we are flying by the seat or our pants and not by a Divine Flight Plan, that has the stamp of His approval. Yes, I know! We have all submitted a flight plan and as yet have not received and answer. Well, have you ever considered that the flight was in the wrong direction, on the wrong timeline and perhaps you have found yourself in the air and had to turn back? Not just a waste of time, fuel and energy, but a proving ground for God’s way, being the only way!

I am not afraid of trying for sure, but, just now I am resting my options and waiting to see if a Divine Flight Plan has been posted for my immediate response. I suspect that I have been placed on standby to let those eyebrows grow back for a reason… God wants me to be able to see and respond with full fervor when the plan is circulated, approved and issued again. Did my last journey fail… no… or so I am told at least. Did it take its toll on my life?… for sure, but what journey for God doesn’t. If it didn’t cost us anything, it would be of no value to us or Him!

So, I am writing again: from a new perspective so to speak, with a bit of a different view physically for sure, but from the same “window of faith” that I have had since early childhood. God has taken me back again and again to the edge and living near the edge is what life is always about.

One Of Those Days

Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like there is something happening and you can’t put your finger on it? It can be so exasperating to sense the changes coming, the opening of new doors or the closing of others. I have never been comfortable with those moments. I wrestle with the unknown lots of times. People around me will often say; “Wow, you handle the spontaneity of life well.” While it is true that I try to be spontaneous, there are moments when I would much rather rest in the known and feel the comfort of that spot for a while.

I remember the first time I walked toward that vast expanse of fear. My Mom was getting ready to leave us for a year to be taken to Kentville for treatments for TB. As a small child I could only see the reality of the loss, the emptiness and the change that was coming... I felt empty. I never forgot that feeling... it haunted me for a long time. I have questioned down through the years my sense of understanding of what was happening... there was no way I could see what the days ahead could hold, but I did come to realize that not everyone felt the same way that I did. Little was said about the loss because we were expected to accept what was happening and as a small child, this was unreasonable... my life was being stolen from me.

These days are reflective for me. I am not certain that I react the same way I did back then, but maybe I do in most instances and don’t want to admit it. Are there times when I see only the losses in life and can’t focus on what God has added to not only address the upcoming needs, but to strengthen my soul for the longer course which I am to take? That course or pathway, has since childhood, lead me through some fearful events, yet also to some wonderful people and places.

Life and love have afforded the growth that I have needed to survive. That may sound dramatic, but when we consider what life sometimes brings, we know that the seasons of life are not always gracious. I would rather know that what I have done will mean something, rather than have moments when doubt and fear are a forecast of things to come. It is odd that we take that stance in life. We want the best but often look for the worst. I want to spend my life gleaning the good not paying for the bad. Ha! We are afforded the moments and given opportunity to make the best of them, no matter the perspective we choose to see.

At the moment those feelings arise, I choose these days to let go of searching the future. It has been hard to learn to do that. I still lapse from time to time, but more often I actually let go and seek what God’s will needs to be. That has been an exercise of faith for me. I follow the model of Christ and feel that there I can’t go wrong, even when everything around me is. I am not too much of a follower these days. I want to lead... not the world, but one person at a time. Sometimes that person is me, sometimes it is another, sometimes it is many. In life leading is because we follow and as curious a concept as that can be, it has its depth of meaning and truth. Let me life near the edge Lord, but don’t let me lose my footing. This is where life has the most meaning... closer to You.