Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like there is something happening and you can’t put your finger on it? It can be so exasperating to sense the changes coming, the opening of new doors or the closing of others. I have never been comfortable with those moments. I wrestle with the unknown lots of times. People around me will often say; “Wow, you handle the spontaneity of life well.” While it is true that I try to be spontaneous, there are moments when I would much rather rest in the known and feel the comfort of that spot for a while.
I remember the first time I walked toward that vast expanse of fear. My Mom was getting ready to leave us for a year to be taken to Kentville for treatments for TB. As a small child I could only see the reality of the loss, the emptiness and the change that was coming... I felt empty. I never forgot that feeling... it haunted me for a long time. I have questioned down through the years my sense of understanding of what was happening... there was no way I could see what the days ahead could hold, but I did come to realize that not everyone felt the same way that I did. Little was said about the loss because we were expected to accept what was happening and as a small child, this was unreasonable... my life was being stolen from me.
These days are reflective for me. I am not certain that I react the same way I did back then, but maybe I do in most instances and don’t want to admit it. Are there times when I see only the losses in life and can’t focus on what God has added to not only address the upcoming needs, but to strengthen my soul for the longer course which I am to take? That course or pathway, has since childhood, lead me through some fearful events, yet also to some wonderful people and places.
Life and love have afforded the growth that I have needed to survive. That may sound dramatic, but when we consider what life sometimes brings, we know that the seasons of life are not always gracious. I would rather know that what I have done will mean something, rather than have moments when doubt and fear are a forecast of things to come. It is odd that we take that stance in life. We want the best but often look for the worst. I want to spend my life gleaning the good not paying for the bad. Ha! We are afforded the moments and given opportunity to make the best of them, no matter the perspective we choose to see.
At the moment those feelings arise, I choose these days to let go of searching the future. It has been hard to learn to do that. I still lapse from time to time, but more often I actually let go and seek what God’s will needs to be. That has been an exercise of faith for me. I follow the model of Christ and feel that there I can’t go wrong, even when everything around me is. I am not too much of a follower these days. I want to lead... not the world, but one person at a time. Sometimes that person is me, sometimes it is another, sometimes it is many. In life leading is because we follow and as curious a concept as that can be, it has its depth of meaning and truth. Let me life near the edge Lord, but don’t let me lose my footing. This is where life has the most meaning... closer to You.