In my youth, I was terrified of the dark. I am likely not alone in that category of fearful childhood states. I am not altogether certain how I got to be that way, but as I survey back through time, I can perhaps see a few outstanding incidents that may have contributed to my phobia. I won’t take time to air my laundry here today though, as I have other things on my heart. A lot of years have passed since my first fear of the dark ended in stitches. My phobia was rewarded with an open gash in my forehead and a terrible headache, as I careened down a dark hallway in the night, only to run smack-dab into a door jamb. I remember my Mom telling me later to look around the room (with the light on) and see if there was anything that made me afraid. Of course, there wasn’t. Her answer for a cure was to have me close my eyes, and recount what I had seen and then to see if anything there upset me now. Again, of course, there wasn’t… Mom was right there beside me. But, I guess I figured out that while there were things that could come out of the dark to scare me, for the most part, the darkness was not that much different than the light, so I eventually overcame my childhood terror.
Suffice it to say, there is something about the night that can be both disarming and alluring at the same time. It is like we hesitate to be in the dark, but curiosity often calls us out into its mystery. This following illustration was not curiosity, it was out of necessity. I had the occasion, in my young adulthood, of walking many miles down a lonely midnight road toward home. There was no traffic; it was a Full Moon and for the most part, over 15 miles of the 20 I travelled that night, there were no street- lights or structures. Lonely though it was, it seemed peaceful and the sounds and shapes of the night brought no fear. The years now have unfolded…. Almost 50 years in fact, since my moonlight walk returning home from visiting my girlfriend…. Oh…. It was worth the walk… I married her. I had to go to work the next morning on a paving crew and fatigue and the aches and pains of hard work made the journey that much harder. Looking back I recognize that the benefit of youth is that your body bounces back faster, and your body and mind can sustain a lot more than you may be capable of at later stages in your life. The journey toward old age can be strewn with varied challenges, which like the extreme labour in our daily work, tend to wear us down so that the darkness of the night, becomes once again a fearful time. That statement needs clarification I know.
The other day I took an old friend, with pneumonia, to the hospital. He has his troubles, as we all do, but his troubles are compounded, as well, by the reality of cancer spreading through his body He puts up a good face to his situation and makes plans for the day, the week, and the future. In our chats over a game of cribbage, conversations may range from how much timber we have to cut to complete his supply of winter’s wood for the next year, the challenges of the work he is doing on any one of the projects he has on at one time or another, to stories of his 80 years of travel, work and relationships. But, he fears the night. Like many of us who are getting on in years, the reality of his demise is sometimes a part of what he faces each day. Most nights are times of interrupted sleep, a harsh reality for many who for whatever the reason, find it hard to get a complete 8 hours of restful peace.
You might ask, “Why the fear of the night at his age?” As curiously odd as this may seem, we are not always afraid of the dark, but perhaps are more afraid of the dawn… the process of the night is its progression toward a new day. Youth holds in its essence that idea of the utopia of invulnerability. I used to watch extreme sports a few years back, (people climbing free-style without a rope, up sheer cliffs and in remote places) and they undertook their sport with such seeming lack of care or fear. Their motivation was the adrenalin rush they got, and they were willing to take chances beyond the norm… they looked forward to each new challenge to defeat. After a while, I became so tense watching these people taking their lives to the edge that I had to give up watching. I remember my own Dad who one day suddenly stopped watching his favourite TV show, Saturday night boxing. He said the doctor told him that it was driving his blood pressure up and it might be better to give up watching boxing and live longer. I began to think that perhaps that was worthy of my consideration as well, so I gave up watching those extreme sports events.
So, where’s the correlation between extreme sports and fear of the night you ask? Have you ever considered tomorrow in its fullest reality and begun to fear its potential for trial and risk? The best example is perhaps a common one that is easily understood, whether it has been your own experience or not. There are many who face financial loss during job change due to redundancy or closures. Most families today depend on double wage earners to keep the household and the family afloat, and in these families, the hardship of the loss of one or both of their incomes can create a whole bevvy of emotional stresses, and cause a rollercoaster ride of anxiety and fear over the coming tomorrow. Thus we find this parallel in that fear of the night is an exhaustion created by not knowing what tomorrow will bring and the reality of its coming can be almost unbearable. My friend fears what tomorrow will bring as he lays a bed at night; knowing his situation and facing it alone, in the dark.
Back in the 80’s, when I sang in a quartet, one of my favourite songs was “Give Me a Song to Sing at Midnight” by the Kingsmen. The first verse started this way….”In my darkest hour my lonely troubled hour, when walking by faith's the only way, I would ask of You one thing, and that would be a song to sing…”. Not everyone can sing a song and find peace when darkness brings distress, not peace. Growing old has its parallel in many situations in life, but we do not all face the same circumstances. Growing old may be one of those situations that most of us have to face, as there is no cure for old age. The key I am told (and have been told many the times, by many people) is growing old gracefully. For those that know me, that may be a true stretch of one’s imagination, but I am willing to try. I digress,… let me get back to my favourite song, during my night terrors… Ok… a bit over the edge… my worry moments at night! Better? I, like everyone else out there; and yes you, as a reader also my friend, have those moments. Life is not a bowl of cherries, but it need not be a sewer-pit of despair either. While struggling as we do sometimes during the dark of the night, with the worries of the coming day, we need to be reminded that each day has its redeeming element.
For me… it is faith that gets me through. I know that not all who read these blogs walk the same path as I do in life. I have no great expectation that all do, but as I write I record my experiences, and assemble if I can, some meaning to the how and why balance in life keeps us near the edge, and not over it. God with His presence and His peace provide for me more than a cushion to life, He adds meaning and direction. During my years of full-time pastoral ministry, it might be expected that spiritual challenge could not factor into the everyday life of a member of the clergy, but it does. We struggle as much, or perhaps even more than most, for our own set of reasons, and a song to sing at midnight becomes very appropriate. Your tomorrows will perhaps be different than mine, possibly different even than that of my friend, who faces the uncertainty of each coming day… maybe, your situation is even worse.
I preached yesterday on a topic which we like to overlook. The message title was, “When Faith and Belief Come into Conflict”. The struggle arises when we want to believe, and have faith, and yet we become overwhelmed with the enormity of the problems we are facing. Humanity, with its natural frailty, can take us to the edge of exhaustion, as we search the meaning of what is happening in life. We often ascribe to one of the many outlooks on life that shape our response to trouble. The first might be Dogmatism… “The old way of handling this is always the best way and I am convinced of that.” The second is Pragmatism… “I am willing to do what works best.” The last is Realism…. “Everything is beyond our control… so it is useless to try!” Which perspective we take as we face the day, or more importantly the night, is the key to finding a holistic life in peace. One can argue that faith need not be a component of the equation, but let’s face it, we all place our faith in something. The key is placing faith in the right location, to have it be a true and lasting answer in life.
For those whose reality is a daily struggle, and a night-time of restless anxiety, over what tomorrow will bring, it is oft the stuff of the continuing journey of living near the edge. The older we get the closer to the edge we come. It can be scary stuff for sure; it can also bring peace to others, who after a long struggle seek a rest from the weary battle of keeping on, keeping on. Whatever your situation today, my theory is that each day holds something for us and not all of that is bad. I personally have so much to give thanks for each day. I am reminded of the old bit of advice, which has great meaning for me these days as I creep up in years, “Remember to stop and smell the roses along the way!” The journey towards the reality of your particular edge, may be darkest before the dawn, but sometimes there is the beauty of a golden sunrise to make it all worthwhile. My prayer is that there will be a golden sunrise for you each day; something that will remind you that no matter what follows, there are moments of great beauty to behold, beyond the dark of the night. Perhaps... God will provide that song to sing at midnight; His comfort will bring peace... all you ever have to do is ask.
