There is little doubt that most have felt both overwhelmed
and outdone by either the world or their part in the big scheme of things. I have been awakened in the midst of the
strangest dreams. One reoccurring one, which haunted my career in ministry and
throughout the time spent in various administrative roles, was that of having
failed grade-four mathematics. I was
being contacted by my old elementary school principal and instructed to return
to spend the next year to upgrade so that I could finish my school curriculum.
That being said, I had already finished an undergrad degree and a masters as
well. I used to wonder if there was something that I had missed, perhaps a
piece to the great puzzle of life that I had overlooked.
Life often settles into cycles or rounds of experiences, and
when diversity in challenges comes, we are not always aware of the inner
struggles associated with the accompanying vagaries. It seems most important to
settle into the roles we are given, asked to undertake or may be expected to
commit to. A dear friend of mine once said; “Be careful the dragons of
expectation”. I never fully understood
that until my life’s flow got interrupted by too many expectations. It is easy
to find oneself in the midst of a field of roses only to find that the thorns
there might be a hindrance to their true beauty, and in fact be the cause of
your inability to go further, or perhaps even to turn back.
Many of us struggle within our silent battle with
depression. It is a silent battle because, throughout the greater part of life, we are
told it is a sign of weakness, and the world bends its ear to the more stable,
reliable, stronger individuals who will cope no matter the level of stress
under which they are placed. We become adept at the façade which presents the
greater personality, the master of one’s destiny and the leader of persons in
need of leadership. I have written
before of the overwhelming unawareness of the various facets of depression. I
will only mention one here as my thoughts turn to my focus in today’s blog. If
you have never known this feeling, you are blessed… it is the paralysis of
depression.
While in my teens I had the normal struggles of keeping up
with those my age. I was athletic, outgoing, not totally ugly in appearance,
but I was unusually short for my age and as my Mom once told me; “You need to
turn around twice to make a shadow!” While pouring myself into work, church and
sports I found that I was always last chosen and first dismissed. With a final
growth spirt I joined the ranks of the many but found myself out of synch with
the crowd. My faith was my anchor, and in service, I found both solace and a
peace that only God could give. But depression was an enemy of faith!
Echoes of Biblical men reminded me that others suffered and
survived. Christ himself though Divine in nature, facing the awfulness of His
calling, while in human flesh. But depression is a personal matter, it is one’s
personal struggle; it is both an enemy of reliance upon God and a cauldron of
fear for those who face its presence each day. I have been blessed that while
in the midst of life’s worst moments, I have had those who walked beside me and
prayed. Others have laughed and helped me to smile through floods of tears,
while some have in silence hugged and went on their way.
Identifying the person who may be in such a state of mere endurance
in life, is not easy. One can become adept at producing a smiling face, laughter that invites others in, while the
heart still cries through its loneliness, which seems unabated by mere
presence. But, God be praised… we are never alone! Have you ever met someone,
and without knowing it, you became engaged in conversation that made all the
difference. It was a God Moment! While Satan is plotting, God is providing!
Some years back, on one of my India trips, I was with a
group who visited an emporium in Mumbai (formerly Bombay) to purchase some
trinkets to take home. Several things happened. We were all confronted by the
children and adults who worked the streets of the city. Regardless of the
pre-warning we received, it was a hard pill to swallow, not allowing the many,
many who approached you for help to be let in... we were protected? One young
girl, carrying a baby, approached me with a cry saying; “Hungry”! The child was,
we were warned not hers, but had been stolen, and this girl worked under a handler.
Yet as she held forth that baby, which was itself crying, it took all I had to acknowledge
the perhaps millions more like her, surrounded us. In the paralysis, I felt the pain of
being moved away, yet still allowed myself to be drawn along by our agent,
in that moment of contact. My mind shed its own tears and I thought… Is God
providing, yet I am not giving?
The agent, our translator and the group entered the interior
and walked through the areas of various stalls where goods were being sold. Men
shouted in broken English coaxing us to buy their wares. We stopped at one
vendor who sold the type of items which we were searching for. After many attempts
to direct our purchases and my attempts to keep any of the others from being
fleeced… the vender cried out; “You are killing me here!” Then he laughed,
spoke almost perfect English, and told us he had studied in England. He made
lots of sales that morning and gifted each of us with a small jade elephant
before we left, making the plea for us to return and buy some more. That day
held both ends of a spectrum of emotions that changed my life forever.
I’ve tried to put God in a box… tried to identify,
understand, justify actions and activities that He has chosen for my life and
the lives of my family members. There had to be a reason, some direction that I could
master and therefore still be the commodore of the ship I seemed to be sailing;
after all, I knew how to steer the (a) boat… I am a sailor… a good sailor! But
good sailors must sail through squalls that could sink the boat, must rely on navigation
that they neither designed nor perfected. We cry out and promise God that for
the rest our lives we will only follow Him, if he will but save us… and I
wonder… does God say; “You’re killing me here!”
… We did… in Christ… and we
forget that. Like some of those greats, mentioned in Scripture… we may
take on some great warriors and find victory, but have personal defeat, if we do
not give every ounce, every breath, every decision and every plan over to He
who created and He who sustains. It takes a depressed person’s every ounce of
strength to move again, past that paralysis even when God speaks, but there is
no choice left… “I have prepared the way… YOU TAKE IT!” IT may be a spiritual
translation of what is happening within.
In the flesh, we fall down… can you hear it… THAT PHASE? “You’re
killing me here!” If we do that, how can God still love us? We begin to question why did He not protect us from ourselves when all we’ve wanted was to walk with Him, serve Him and honour Him? Job’s
story perhaps has part of an answer, but the crux of it is found within
ourselves… our being wrapped up in self, in self-reliance, self-assurance and
in some extreme case self-indulgence… Our carnal mind says, “we’ve survived
this far and all we need from You God is merely
that for which we are now asking.” Was that not part of Paul’s request?
Some may argue that it is reductionism in its worst projection, but the human
flesh is weak and it MUST be God who keeps us strong!
I’ve walked as close to the edge as I ever want to be… I’ve
entered into situations and places that have both terrified me and crushed my
desire to continue. I like Elijah have run from the foe that was for the
greater part of the truth “myself”, and have hidden in the caves of despair and
disappointment, in fear for my own life. Once we take the reins and ask God,
only to keep up us, we court disaster, despair or even worse, failure to be
what He wants us to be. That places out there alone, but we aren’t really!
Did you read that? You are not alone; others are gathered,
praying to a God of love, compassion and forgiveness… for YOU! No matter what
part of the edge, or even if you have fallen over that edge, God is there to
pick you up and remind you that the price paid, in His death on the cross, (in
Christ) He has set you free, not from the guilt you carry, but from the penalty
you faced. I breathe because of God’s love; I move because of God’s love, I
carry on because of God’s love… He can do that for you. On the edge are you?
Take a long look around… Can you see one blessing? One blessing makes it worth
the challenge… No blessings in view… Not even one? Close your eyes… now
breathe! Can you feel it… that air entering your lungs… that is God breathing
the breath of life into you… you ARE blessed!
