Many of you have likely wondered where I have gone since my writing came to what seemed like an abrupt end. Well, life sends us on journeys that may take us away for a while, but eventually brings us back to what is most important and to those roots which make the most sense. That is not to say that God takes us to places which make no sense, but we measure our reality through human eyes and the context is quite often hard to evaluate and accept. Moses, I am sure, wondered why he was going back to Egypt, when he felt comfortable in the fields of his father-in-law, as a herder. Well, God takes us on journeys that have meaning and into places where we feel uncomfortable and we may even come to the point as to question His motives and plans for our lives.
Well, that may have been part of the journey over the past 2 years for me. I made the decision to follow the Lord’s leading and the journey was long and hard. I was caused to examine my life, evaluate the ministry to which I had been called and was put so far into debt that I wondered if I would ever see the light of day, as expenses rose and income fell. But, I had to ask the question…. Was God in the journey? Was he pushing me nearer the edge to test my metal? Did He want to know if I knew myself and my skill sets and abilities and want me to measure what was important and what could be left behind? Well, I guess maybe that was the situation.
I find myself now, after 2 years, back to my roots. Back in my hometown, in my home Church, walking, working on small items and, as Frank (an electrician’s joke) once said in the comics, “I am taking some time off to let my eyebrows grow back!” The time I will spend over the next several months will be filled with an exercise in faithfulness. Faithfulness to the tasks at hand, which will include my annual trip to India to teach, more time spent in prayer and study, some renovations and repairs on our properties and as the temperatures pick up just a bit, some long morning walks. I want to spend more time reflecting on the journey. I want to see the sunrises and sunsets, have the wind blow in my face… if I can get the sailboat in the water this spring coming and for sure, hold hands on long walks with my dear wife. A year off… but not sitting still and more than I have to.
So how do we approach the edge when we see it coming? I suspect that we all have our personal take on that confrontation, but I have a tendency to just wait out the various aspects of the trip and evaluate the bends and potholes as they arrive. I remember asking myself whether I wanted to travel the east end of the Shore Rd. to the cottage (it was rough and full of deep ruts ) in the Spring, or take the western route, most of which was newly paved and made it easier on the car’s frame and running gear. Well, most of the time I took the same old route, but drove slower than usual and took my chances on not damaging the car. But damage was done nevertheless. Tires took a beating, alignment went askew, and the shaking made my back and joints ache. It had it its consequences! So, the question arises… do I just take chances and am willing to pay the consequences? It seems that way doesn’t it. Is the short way always the right way, does the hard path make us harder, tougher, more resilient for the next journey?
Living near the edge and approaching the edge is not always about the journey. It is sometimes about the preparation. Sometimes we need to do more prep work. I have asked myself a thousand times over the years in His work, if I am running ahead of His plans. My prayer life spans the gamut from fervent request to a complete walk of faith, and I still remain in awe of the fact that God answers after the fact as much as he does beforehand, much of the time. Knowing that expectation is the key, we have to decide which set of expectations we are to follow. There is first of course God’s. Then there are those of kith and kin, the workplace, the corporate eye of doers and dreamers in the faith and finally our own set of rules, limits and foundational truths from which we have scaled, modified, confirmed, shaped and lived our lives thus far. Solomon said, “vanity, it is all vanity!” and I am of a mind to agree with him more and more each day.
That is not to say that I am about to throw it all away, sit back and let death come as it may! No way! I am like the true explorer; I still want to see what God has in store. I don’t want to move away from the edge… being near the edge has its advantages. You get to see both sides much better… the perspective is great if you keep your eyes on God, in Christ Jesus, with the Spirit at the helm and not having our own personal enterprise or requirements holding us back. I would like to say that it is a challenge! None of us are that pure that we need not evaluate self-motive, self- image and our own expectations. No, they should always be under scrutiny and left to be checked by the Holy Spirit, for His judging and leading. All too often we are flying by the seat or our pants and not by a Divine Flight Plan, that has the stamp of His approval. Yes, I know! We have all submitted a flight plan and as yet have not received and answer. Well, have you ever considered that the flight was in the wrong direction, on the wrong timeline and perhaps you have found yourself in the air and had to turn back? Not just a waste of time, fuel and energy, but a proving ground for God’s way, being the only way!
I am not afraid of trying for sure, but, just now I am resting my options and waiting to see if a Divine Flight Plan has been posted for my immediate response. I suspect that I have been placed on standby to let those eyebrows grow back for a reason… God wants me to be able to see and respond with full fervor when the plan is circulated, approved and issued again. Did my last journey fail… no… or so I am told at least. Did it take its toll on my life?… for sure, but what journey for God doesn’t. If it didn’t cost us anything, it would be of no value to us or Him!
So, I am writing again: from a new perspective so to speak, with a bit of a different view physically for sure, but from the same “window of faith” that I have had since early childhood. God has taken me back again and again to the edge and living near the edge is what life is always about.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Monday, November 1, 2010
One Of Those Days
Have you ever had one of those days when you feel like there is something happening and you can’t put your finger on it? It can be so exasperating to sense the changes coming, the opening of new doors or the closing of others. I have never been comfortable with those moments. I wrestle with the unknown lots of times. People around me will often say; “Wow, you handle the spontaneity of life well.” While it is true that I try to be spontaneous, there are moments when I would much rather rest in the known and feel the comfort of that spot for a while.
I remember the first time I walked toward that vast expanse of fear. My Mom was getting ready to leave us for a year to be taken to Kentville for treatments for TB. As a small child I could only see the reality of the loss, the emptiness and the change that was coming... I felt empty. I never forgot that feeling... it haunted me for a long time. I have questioned down through the years my sense of understanding of what was happening... there was no way I could see what the days ahead could hold, but I did come to realize that not everyone felt the same way that I did. Little was said about the loss because we were expected to accept what was happening and as a small child, this was unreasonable... my life was being stolen from me.
These days are reflective for me. I am not certain that I react the same way I did back then, but maybe I do in most instances and don’t want to admit it. Are there times when I see only the losses in life and can’t focus on what God has added to not only address the upcoming needs, but to strengthen my soul for the longer course which I am to take? That course or pathway, has since childhood, lead me through some fearful events, yet also to some wonderful people and places.
Life and love have afforded the growth that I have needed to survive. That may sound dramatic, but when we consider what life sometimes brings, we know that the seasons of life are not always gracious. I would rather know that what I have done will mean something, rather than have moments when doubt and fear are a forecast of things to come. It is odd that we take that stance in life. We want the best but often look for the worst. I want to spend my life gleaning the good not paying for the bad. Ha! We are afforded the moments and given opportunity to make the best of them, no matter the perspective we choose to see.
At the moment those feelings arise, I choose these days to let go of searching the future. It has been hard to learn to do that. I still lapse from time to time, but more often I actually let go and seek what God’s will needs to be. That has been an exercise of faith for me. I follow the model of Christ and feel that there I can’t go wrong, even when everything around me is. I am not too much of a follower these days. I want to lead... not the world, but one person at a time. Sometimes that person is me, sometimes it is another, sometimes it is many. In life leading is because we follow and as curious a concept as that can be, it has its depth of meaning and truth. Let me life near the edge Lord, but don’t let me lose my footing. This is where life has the most meaning... closer to You.
I remember the first time I walked toward that vast expanse of fear. My Mom was getting ready to leave us for a year to be taken to Kentville for treatments for TB. As a small child I could only see the reality of the loss, the emptiness and the change that was coming... I felt empty. I never forgot that feeling... it haunted me for a long time. I have questioned down through the years my sense of understanding of what was happening... there was no way I could see what the days ahead could hold, but I did come to realize that not everyone felt the same way that I did. Little was said about the loss because we were expected to accept what was happening and as a small child, this was unreasonable... my life was being stolen from me.
These days are reflective for me. I am not certain that I react the same way I did back then, but maybe I do in most instances and don’t want to admit it. Are there times when I see only the losses in life and can’t focus on what God has added to not only address the upcoming needs, but to strengthen my soul for the longer course which I am to take? That course or pathway, has since childhood, lead me through some fearful events, yet also to some wonderful people and places.
Life and love have afforded the growth that I have needed to survive. That may sound dramatic, but when we consider what life sometimes brings, we know that the seasons of life are not always gracious. I would rather know that what I have done will mean something, rather than have moments when doubt and fear are a forecast of things to come. It is odd that we take that stance in life. We want the best but often look for the worst. I want to spend my life gleaning the good not paying for the bad. Ha! We are afforded the moments and given opportunity to make the best of them, no matter the perspective we choose to see.
At the moment those feelings arise, I choose these days to let go of searching the future. It has been hard to learn to do that. I still lapse from time to time, but more often I actually let go and seek what God’s will needs to be. That has been an exercise of faith for me. I follow the model of Christ and feel that there I can’t go wrong, even when everything around me is. I am not too much of a follower these days. I want to lead... not the world, but one person at a time. Sometimes that person is me, sometimes it is another, sometimes it is many. In life leading is because we follow and as curious a concept as that can be, it has its depth of meaning and truth. Let me life near the edge Lord, but don’t let me lose my footing. This is where life has the most meaning... closer to You.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Still Near the Edge
I am never sure how to approach a new addition. You might think that I am just bursting at the seams with new thoughts and it would be simple to just sit down and let it out. Over the past few months since returning form India again, my life has had a sharp turn... a great transition. I will never be able to speak openly about all that has happened, but I will say this... God has more to do with life than anyone would dare to suspect, much less know.
In the past I have always felt the nearness of my faith... that sense that no matter my lot in life, I was never alone. There always seems to be that touch of reality, the knowledge that things can and will happen to bring us back to level ground. We can climb mountains, but the valley is only one slip away, one bit of life’s twist away and I knew it all the time. Perhaps it is the presence of human fear. Maybe it is the desire to be in touch with the ultimate design that life will end, in one context or another and we should always be prepared. But my faith went deep inside my soul. I clung to more than a human message of what must be, to that which I know could be.. that there is something more beyond who we are as humans, to that which we are, as created. I have alway felt there was something more and would not just settle for less.
My trip to India this year was a life changing time. Was it just because it was different? No, I don’t think so. It perhaps was more on the side of the less obvious. There were moments that I thought that I might not actually go this year. Moments that I felt that I may not be allowed to go and that in the end my joy in service there may be challenged. But, God had other plans and I was released and supported in so many great ways, that I soon found that His call on my life was more than real... it was planned. I spent the next weeks travelling, watching, praying and teaching. I spent time with my friend in India talking about what could happen and trying to encourage him in the work he is undertaking for Christ. I saw the needs of the people in the rural settings of India and my heart still cries for their plight.
It is hard to come home and leave behind such a ministry. But, God has some greater plans that take us where we are needed, one moment at a time.. In this lifetime it may change from day to day. I wonder at the obvious most days. I consider myself to be spontaneous, but there are moments that I realize that this is all beyond me.. It is in God’s realm, it is in His control, there He reigns and we just maintain our faith and faithfulness. I am more convinced every day that I have to be ready. Readiness is not something that is an exact ideal. I think I am prepared and viola, there is a change of plan or pattern. I may feel so confident that I am ready only to find out that the rules have changed., the parameters are different and so the game will be played in another court on another day. I imagine the worst some days and God makes it the best. Can you get your head around those situations... no not always. We learn to cope, but is coping enough.
I felt so long that I will just accept. Accepting is good right? We learn to pray part of the Serenity Prayer most often quoted: God, grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; the Courage to change the things I can; And the wisdom to know the difference. I have come to learn that just accepting is not enough. There is a cumulative effect in our lives that causes us to hold inside those things that are truly disastrous to our well-being. Somehow we have to learn to let go of them and empty our lives, our senses, those frets, worries and cares that bog us down and give them over to God. Yes, I know... easy to say when you spend your life as a Pastor! Well, I can tell you it is never easy. I have met many people, Pastors included, who have never done that or even thought of doing that in their lives. We tend to carry the “stuff” of this world with us for our safety and its security. It is hard to let go of some things that we tend to guard, lest it fall into the enemies hands... but who is that enemy?
In my travel through life I have been a searcher. I know that I will always be a searcher. To some extent it is for truth, to another it is to see what and where I can assist. To some it is a God-send, to others it has become a pain in the neck or worse. It leads me to places where trouble exists and answers are not easily found. I watch and learn from what I see, I pray for guidance to make the right choices and I do not always succeed. This I therefore find.. I am not the answer.. I am a searcher who waits for God to move sometimes through me, but more often in the hearts of those I serve, so that work can now begin.. I teach the willing, not the unwilling. God has a way of bringing people to their knees and I wait for what can and should be done and that is not an easy task, because not everyone is receptive to God. The waiting can be hard due to hardness of heart and the pain of loving people, who hurt, is excruciating. I am not called to run away, but to those who need God’s help. Therefore in this life, facing the pain becomes a drive which is like a drug.
That is scary. Do we cross the line and take too much? Yes, by times and the costs to health and relationships can be seen and felt. But to those serving God it is a way of life. I pray for those who read this today. Do not consider life as a mere trip, but a journey. There is a vast difference between the two. A trip may be a vacation, a journey is somewhat of an experience which may lead to change and most often does. I have not changed so drastically that I do not see reality. I have taken on a deeper faith, a new resolve and a new outlook on how things happen in life though. I do not expect that I will ever be the same and do not desire to go back. I am still living near the edge... the view from here is spectacular and I await God’s voice and movement to open the doors of His will daily. May God bless you all.. He is at work always.. You may never see it, but He is here!
In the past I have always felt the nearness of my faith... that sense that no matter my lot in life, I was never alone. There always seems to be that touch of reality, the knowledge that things can and will happen to bring us back to level ground. We can climb mountains, but the valley is only one slip away, one bit of life’s twist away and I knew it all the time. Perhaps it is the presence of human fear. Maybe it is the desire to be in touch with the ultimate design that life will end, in one context or another and we should always be prepared. But my faith went deep inside my soul. I clung to more than a human message of what must be, to that which I know could be.. that there is something more beyond who we are as humans, to that which we are, as created. I have alway felt there was something more and would not just settle for less.
My trip to India this year was a life changing time. Was it just because it was different? No, I don’t think so. It perhaps was more on the side of the less obvious. There were moments that I thought that I might not actually go this year. Moments that I felt that I may not be allowed to go and that in the end my joy in service there may be challenged. But, God had other plans and I was released and supported in so many great ways, that I soon found that His call on my life was more than real... it was planned. I spent the next weeks travelling, watching, praying and teaching. I spent time with my friend in India talking about what could happen and trying to encourage him in the work he is undertaking for Christ. I saw the needs of the people in the rural settings of India and my heart still cries for their plight.
It is hard to come home and leave behind such a ministry. But, God has some greater plans that take us where we are needed, one moment at a time.. In this lifetime it may change from day to day. I wonder at the obvious most days. I consider myself to be spontaneous, but there are moments that I realize that this is all beyond me.. It is in God’s realm, it is in His control, there He reigns and we just maintain our faith and faithfulness. I am more convinced every day that I have to be ready. Readiness is not something that is an exact ideal. I think I am prepared and viola, there is a change of plan or pattern. I may feel so confident that I am ready only to find out that the rules have changed., the parameters are different and so the game will be played in another court on another day. I imagine the worst some days and God makes it the best. Can you get your head around those situations... no not always. We learn to cope, but is coping enough.
I felt so long that I will just accept. Accepting is good right? We learn to pray part of the Serenity Prayer most often quoted: God, grant me the serenity To accept the things I cannot change; the Courage to change the things I can; And the wisdom to know the difference. I have come to learn that just accepting is not enough. There is a cumulative effect in our lives that causes us to hold inside those things that are truly disastrous to our well-being. Somehow we have to learn to let go of them and empty our lives, our senses, those frets, worries and cares that bog us down and give them over to God. Yes, I know... easy to say when you spend your life as a Pastor! Well, I can tell you it is never easy. I have met many people, Pastors included, who have never done that or even thought of doing that in their lives. We tend to carry the “stuff” of this world with us for our safety and its security. It is hard to let go of some things that we tend to guard, lest it fall into the enemies hands... but who is that enemy?
In my travel through life I have been a searcher. I know that I will always be a searcher. To some extent it is for truth, to another it is to see what and where I can assist. To some it is a God-send, to others it has become a pain in the neck or worse. It leads me to places where trouble exists and answers are not easily found. I watch and learn from what I see, I pray for guidance to make the right choices and I do not always succeed. This I therefore find.. I am not the answer.. I am a searcher who waits for God to move sometimes through me, but more often in the hearts of those I serve, so that work can now begin.. I teach the willing, not the unwilling. God has a way of bringing people to their knees and I wait for what can and should be done and that is not an easy task, because not everyone is receptive to God. The waiting can be hard due to hardness of heart and the pain of loving people, who hurt, is excruciating. I am not called to run away, but to those who need God’s help. Therefore in this life, facing the pain becomes a drive which is like a drug.
That is scary. Do we cross the line and take too much? Yes, by times and the costs to health and relationships can be seen and felt. But to those serving God it is a way of life. I pray for those who read this today. Do not consider life as a mere trip, but a journey. There is a vast difference between the two. A trip may be a vacation, a journey is somewhat of an experience which may lead to change and most often does. I have not changed so drastically that I do not see reality. I have taken on a deeper faith, a new resolve and a new outlook on how things happen in life though. I do not expect that I will ever be the same and do not desire to go back. I am still living near the edge... the view from here is spectacular and I await God’s voice and movement to open the doors of His will daily. May God bless you all.. He is at work always.. You may never see it, but He is here!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Control ... A Big Issue In Life
It has been years since I have really felt out of control. That sounds so strange as I look at my life and see it actually written on the page. For years I have struggled against the passions which have led me to sometimes making wrong decisions. I have viewed life from most sides and concluded that what I really needed was that solidarity in my life, that brought the most peace. I have concluded that the more I seek my own solace in life, the more out of control life became.
How can there be a lack of control when the very essence of life in ministry holds that supposed calm that is expected by those under our care? Well, it is a long hard journey to that place where the skin remains supple, while able to withstand the worst that life in the human journey can offer. I have felt many times in ministry the tug of depression on the very pit of my heart. I have known the awfulness of looking into the abyss and not knowing what the future will hold for me and my dear wife, as the challenges of expectation, personal disappoint or even attack became more than real. Why that happens is simple. I, like those in this calling known as Pastoral Ministry, (and many others too... I know) have to face daily the problems, hurts, angers, misconceptions, questions and rage of a human life that can explode, cry, collapse in illness or death, become lost in either the complexity of the system or in the identity of their human existence, at any given time, as they face their own realities of life.
The question often arrises for me... what do I do next. The context of the problem first has to be separated from my personal views. I evaluate the reasons for what is taking place, where the basic needs before me are best served and then ask myself if I am being totally objective about what I am seeing and finding. There is a difference always. Objectivity creates for me a different view of what is not only happening, but what can or should happen. Too many times in my life I have stood on the edge of life’s situations and only felt the subjective stress, which I could easily have turned into that angry person that once lived in me and controlled almost every decision I made, until I was over my teenage years... even since then I have struggled lots of times to not lapse back to the old life.
Am I staring back into the abyss again? Do I not acknowledging daily that I need to release myself again to my Faith and not to my emotions. Certainly I am... I am facing the demons that dwell in the innermost part of the human life... a desire to fight back, to get even, to stop the constant charge of those who would challenge me, undermine my control and cloud the true issues of what need to be done, by their negative take on most things. I enjoy ministry until those around me are constantly on the prowl for something to complain about, something to dismantle or even discard for new and more liberal views of life, beyond where my faith lies.
The feelings I am examining today in my life are those same feelings that every person who walks among the hurting, searching and lost of humanity feels. It is the inability of a single person to meet all the needs. It is the silent cry, which held in defines the professional level of the work being done, while it tears at the very fabric of who we are, both socially and personally. There is little human salve for the open wounds, too few venues for the outlet needed for those things which bring fragility to the person finding themselves reeling amidst the endless expectations and battles daily faced... unless there is a person to which you can turn. So there is the hope. The knowledge that there is someone who not only hears, but understands. I am fortunate that I have not only a human helpmate that cares, hears and prays for me, but a Wonderful God who knows my sorrows and even though he knows I walk alone in some respects, I know I am never alone... He is always there, sometimes carrying me.
So why do those feelings come into my life of from time to time? Is it the long hours, the very challenging work I have undertaken, the size of debt that certainly brings its challenges or is it my lack of surrender. Well, as I view my life and my sense of work ethic, I know that I can take on too much, put too much of my personal effort into the concerns that should not be under my purview, but that comes with the job. I know that I take too seriously the idea that I am sent of God and I must work as if there is no tomorrow. I feel the pain of those under my care and I carry it and I should let God carry it for them.. He already has. But I can not leave behind the responsibility to help those I can. I have to learn once again not to carry it home with me and deal with the calls as they come, the disappointments as they arise, the complaints and misunderstanding as I face them, and not take it personally. That is the key... not taking it personally, because when I do I go out of control.
So back to the basics I go. Back to the time away from the fray, back to the time when I took rest and captured the reality of what was happening around me. It is time to give my life back to Him who gave me life in the beginning and then a new life in service for Him. I have seen the edge more than once in my life, I have been challenged on many sides and these days are challenging to say the least. But, I am not lost.. Near the edge of my control level yes, but I have the sense of self identity that I am nothing, but for God. I can challenge the abyss and not lose hope or focus. That is what living near the edge is all about. Staring into that which may seem beyond all skill and ability, can be healing when we surrender, not to fate, but to true strength that comes in our weakness when we ask Him for it. After all, I have been there and come back, I have tasted and it was good, I have seen the face of the abyss and now I have no fear.
I pray for those who stare out into the loss of control in their lives. It is not a pleasant place and can be brought on by so many triggers in life. Near the edge is not over the edge. We have an opportunity to focus on what brings peace not turmoil. Loss of control is a terrible place to be and peace is the beauty of the quiet we feel when we let go of those things in life that love to trigger a response and give them to God. Don’t regret the walk, living near the edge can be healing depending on how you define the view from there.
How can there be a lack of control when the very essence of life in ministry holds that supposed calm that is expected by those under our care? Well, it is a long hard journey to that place where the skin remains supple, while able to withstand the worst that life in the human journey can offer. I have felt many times in ministry the tug of depression on the very pit of my heart. I have known the awfulness of looking into the abyss and not knowing what the future will hold for me and my dear wife, as the challenges of expectation, personal disappoint or even attack became more than real. Why that happens is simple. I, like those in this calling known as Pastoral Ministry, (and many others too... I know) have to face daily the problems, hurts, angers, misconceptions, questions and rage of a human life that can explode, cry, collapse in illness or death, become lost in either the complexity of the system or in the identity of their human existence, at any given time, as they face their own realities of life.
The question often arrises for me... what do I do next. The context of the problem first has to be separated from my personal views. I evaluate the reasons for what is taking place, where the basic needs before me are best served and then ask myself if I am being totally objective about what I am seeing and finding. There is a difference always. Objectivity creates for me a different view of what is not only happening, but what can or should happen. Too many times in my life I have stood on the edge of life’s situations and only felt the subjective stress, which I could easily have turned into that angry person that once lived in me and controlled almost every decision I made, until I was over my teenage years... even since then I have struggled lots of times to not lapse back to the old life.
Am I staring back into the abyss again? Do I not acknowledging daily that I need to release myself again to my Faith and not to my emotions. Certainly I am... I am facing the demons that dwell in the innermost part of the human life... a desire to fight back, to get even, to stop the constant charge of those who would challenge me, undermine my control and cloud the true issues of what need to be done, by their negative take on most things. I enjoy ministry until those around me are constantly on the prowl for something to complain about, something to dismantle or even discard for new and more liberal views of life, beyond where my faith lies.
The feelings I am examining today in my life are those same feelings that every person who walks among the hurting, searching and lost of humanity feels. It is the inability of a single person to meet all the needs. It is the silent cry, which held in defines the professional level of the work being done, while it tears at the very fabric of who we are, both socially and personally. There is little human salve for the open wounds, too few venues for the outlet needed for those things which bring fragility to the person finding themselves reeling amidst the endless expectations and battles daily faced... unless there is a person to which you can turn. So there is the hope. The knowledge that there is someone who not only hears, but understands. I am fortunate that I have not only a human helpmate that cares, hears and prays for me, but a Wonderful God who knows my sorrows and even though he knows I walk alone in some respects, I know I am never alone... He is always there, sometimes carrying me.
So why do those feelings come into my life of from time to time? Is it the long hours, the very challenging work I have undertaken, the size of debt that certainly brings its challenges or is it my lack of surrender. Well, as I view my life and my sense of work ethic, I know that I can take on too much, put too much of my personal effort into the concerns that should not be under my purview, but that comes with the job. I know that I take too seriously the idea that I am sent of God and I must work as if there is no tomorrow. I feel the pain of those under my care and I carry it and I should let God carry it for them.. He already has. But I can not leave behind the responsibility to help those I can. I have to learn once again not to carry it home with me and deal with the calls as they come, the disappointments as they arise, the complaints and misunderstanding as I face them, and not take it personally. That is the key... not taking it personally, because when I do I go out of control.
So back to the basics I go. Back to the time away from the fray, back to the time when I took rest and captured the reality of what was happening around me. It is time to give my life back to Him who gave me life in the beginning and then a new life in service for Him. I have seen the edge more than once in my life, I have been challenged on many sides and these days are challenging to say the least. But, I am not lost.. Near the edge of my control level yes, but I have the sense of self identity that I am nothing, but for God. I can challenge the abyss and not lose hope or focus. That is what living near the edge is all about. Staring into that which may seem beyond all skill and ability, can be healing when we surrender, not to fate, but to true strength that comes in our weakness when we ask Him for it. After all, I have been there and come back, I have tasted and it was good, I have seen the face of the abyss and now I have no fear.
I pray for those who stare out into the loss of control in their lives. It is not a pleasant place and can be brought on by so many triggers in life. Near the edge is not over the edge. We have an opportunity to focus on what brings peace not turmoil. Loss of control is a terrible place to be and peace is the beauty of the quiet we feel when we let go of those things in life that love to trigger a response and give them to God. Don’t regret the walk, living near the edge can be healing depending on how you define the view from there.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Characteristically Uncharacteristic
Not long ago I was asked a question to which I gave an unacceptable answer.... at least in terms of the acceptance by the person asking the question. It was a simple enough question, I would think, for the person who had either “an answer” or more importantly “the answer.” But I am finding the complexity of life to be a little too much for me sometimes of late, so I am more likely to say; “I don’t know!” I used to be filled with answers. I was the “Answer King”. I had an opinion on everything. Give me a subject and I was off to the debate. I was young! What I didn’t know could be placed in a few small volumes, the rest I was sure I knew... or at least thought I did anyway!
What changed suddenly? Was it the constant challenges in the workplace from my peers, the growing knowledge that there are those out there who might know more answers than I did, or the view of technology and information changing at a pace far greater than my absorption rate these days? The answer for some may be a challenge, but not for me. I became tired of always trying to keep up. So, I stepped back, began to look at my life and evaluate the process of staying abreast of all there is and my relationship to it. After all, I had chased life for 50 years and the learning curve has taken its toll. My bones they grow weary and the elasticity of youth has begun to stiffen and become brittle. Get this... I look at the sunrise more than I used to and I see the handiwork of God etched in the vistas along the highway. I see things that I can not change and I imagine the finger of God reshaping all this into the beauty of His Glory in a new Heaven and New earth.
There are going to be those who will read “this” blog and equate that the ol’ fella is losing it... He is looking at retirement and reflection has made way for anxiety and depression about growing old. Well, I have news for all you who are about to drop to your knees, run for your prayer closets or lift me to the Lord, as you hesitate in your reading... God is not finished with this old cat just yet.... that is not what this is about. I am seeing new things every day and well being characteristically uncharacteristic is the way I usually go about things of late.
Most people who think they know me, have had trouble figuring me out through the years. It may come from the background of my youth. It may come from the diversity of my experience, which as a great blessing has led me down many exciting and uplifting paths and across many physical and geographic boundaries. You see what one person experiences in life may be vastly different from another. We too often limit our definitions of what is going on because we have seen life differently and this can bring limitations to those definitions, which can bring the context and relevance of some choices or decisions under scrutiny or suspicion by some. I am, as I grow older, not as worried about the suspicions of others, though I would rather be accepted by everyone immediately for sure... Hey, I am human. I kind lady said to me not long ago about meeting me and how the first inclination she and her husband had, was to just accept me as another nice man who preaches, but have since had opportunity to really get to know me. One could assume that depth of human connectivity and interest might make the difference, but not always. There are limitations drawn in our life definitions as well, and they may take more than passing acquaintance to bridge and build into something meaningful and important.
So how do you feel today? Where are you efforts heading? Has life borne the image that you once dreamed possible in your childhood, youth, young adulthood toward maturity? I suspect that many or most of us have, in our maturation, grown beyond our youthful expectations and felt the influences upon our lives both positive and negative. What those influences have been and how we have dealt, and continue to deal with them, will have directed our definitions, emotions and thus our interests and focus in life. As we deal in the stresses of keeping up, meeting the expectations of others and then finding our way each day, there are those characteristics which God forms and shapes which will I pray, make us more like Him.
I want to fade each day, that Christ might shine brighter through my life. But this complication arises from that exercise. The human heart looks to the image of the earthly to understand the heavenly. I find myself under more scrutiny, a heavier load of expectation with physical responsible for more lives, emotions and wounds... just because I am open to His will, under His grace and am trying to be His voice, hands and feet in today’s world. So, the cycle of seed, water and fruit co-exist in my life. I plant seeds, I water and I bear the Fruit of the Spirit in hopes that something I say or do may draw someone to Christ or cause them to look deeper at their faith and long for a closer walk with Him. That often causes people therefore to put more focus on me before they begin to focus on God in Christ Jesus. So my life has become a constant round of characteristically uncharacteristic events that seem so unlike who and what I used to be as I search for a better me under the will and direction of His Holy Spirit. How and how well I preform under daily stress depends fully on my relationship with God each day.
Are you struggling to find your way today? Well, welcome to life near the edge. You see, we are all struggling at one level or another. If you are struggling at many levels on many sides, then it is time to become characteristically uncharacteristic and make some changes in your life. Ask the Lord for direction, strength and courage to make changes whether drastic or subtle, that will reshape and remould you into His child, for His Kingdom’s glory. It may take time and courage... but the exercise alone is uplifting and healing... that constant reading of His Word and continual chats with Him who created and now sustains, can be so peaceful when taken in its stride. It will make all the difference in the world in your focus. But I warn you, when Jesus said, “If you want to follow me, it means taking up your cross daily”, and your heart seems to fail at the prospect of feeling worse, Jesus also said, “... my yoke is easy and my burden is light”. Getting through life will have its complications, its disappointments and it scary moments, but God is there with us. I take solace in that and find courage for every step I take, once I take my eyes off the road and put them back on Him. Like I always say, “Living near the edge is not bad, it has moments of testing, moments of required courage and moments of extreme joy... It's all in how we define the view from there.”
What changed suddenly? Was it the constant challenges in the workplace from my peers, the growing knowledge that there are those out there who might know more answers than I did, or the view of technology and information changing at a pace far greater than my absorption rate these days? The answer for some may be a challenge, but not for me. I became tired of always trying to keep up. So, I stepped back, began to look at my life and evaluate the process of staying abreast of all there is and my relationship to it. After all, I had chased life for 50 years and the learning curve has taken its toll. My bones they grow weary and the elasticity of youth has begun to stiffen and become brittle. Get this... I look at the sunrise more than I used to and I see the handiwork of God etched in the vistas along the highway. I see things that I can not change and I imagine the finger of God reshaping all this into the beauty of His Glory in a new Heaven and New earth.
There are going to be those who will read “this” blog and equate that the ol’ fella is losing it... He is looking at retirement and reflection has made way for anxiety and depression about growing old. Well, I have news for all you who are about to drop to your knees, run for your prayer closets or lift me to the Lord, as you hesitate in your reading... God is not finished with this old cat just yet.... that is not what this is about. I am seeing new things every day and well being characteristically uncharacteristic is the way I usually go about things of late.
Most people who think they know me, have had trouble figuring me out through the years. It may come from the background of my youth. It may come from the diversity of my experience, which as a great blessing has led me down many exciting and uplifting paths and across many physical and geographic boundaries. You see what one person experiences in life may be vastly different from another. We too often limit our definitions of what is going on because we have seen life differently and this can bring limitations to those definitions, which can bring the context and relevance of some choices or decisions under scrutiny or suspicion by some. I am, as I grow older, not as worried about the suspicions of others, though I would rather be accepted by everyone immediately for sure... Hey, I am human. I kind lady said to me not long ago about meeting me and how the first inclination she and her husband had, was to just accept me as another nice man who preaches, but have since had opportunity to really get to know me. One could assume that depth of human connectivity and interest might make the difference, but not always. There are limitations drawn in our life definitions as well, and they may take more than passing acquaintance to bridge and build into something meaningful and important.
So how do you feel today? Where are you efforts heading? Has life borne the image that you once dreamed possible in your childhood, youth, young adulthood toward maturity? I suspect that many or most of us have, in our maturation, grown beyond our youthful expectations and felt the influences upon our lives both positive and negative. What those influences have been and how we have dealt, and continue to deal with them, will have directed our definitions, emotions and thus our interests and focus in life. As we deal in the stresses of keeping up, meeting the expectations of others and then finding our way each day, there are those characteristics which God forms and shapes which will I pray, make us more like Him.
I want to fade each day, that Christ might shine brighter through my life. But this complication arises from that exercise. The human heart looks to the image of the earthly to understand the heavenly. I find myself under more scrutiny, a heavier load of expectation with physical responsible for more lives, emotions and wounds... just because I am open to His will, under His grace and am trying to be His voice, hands and feet in today’s world. So, the cycle of seed, water and fruit co-exist in my life. I plant seeds, I water and I bear the Fruit of the Spirit in hopes that something I say or do may draw someone to Christ or cause them to look deeper at their faith and long for a closer walk with Him. That often causes people therefore to put more focus on me before they begin to focus on God in Christ Jesus. So my life has become a constant round of characteristically uncharacteristic events that seem so unlike who and what I used to be as I search for a better me under the will and direction of His Holy Spirit. How and how well I preform under daily stress depends fully on my relationship with God each day.
Are you struggling to find your way today? Well, welcome to life near the edge. You see, we are all struggling at one level or another. If you are struggling at many levels on many sides, then it is time to become characteristically uncharacteristic and make some changes in your life. Ask the Lord for direction, strength and courage to make changes whether drastic or subtle, that will reshape and remould you into His child, for His Kingdom’s glory. It may take time and courage... but the exercise alone is uplifting and healing... that constant reading of His Word and continual chats with Him who created and now sustains, can be so peaceful when taken in its stride. It will make all the difference in the world in your focus. But I warn you, when Jesus said, “If you want to follow me, it means taking up your cross daily”, and your heart seems to fail at the prospect of feeling worse, Jesus also said, “... my yoke is easy and my burden is light”. Getting through life will have its complications, its disappointments and it scary moments, but God is there with us. I take solace in that and find courage for every step I take, once I take my eyes off the road and put them back on Him. Like I always say, “Living near the edge is not bad, it has moments of testing, moments of required courage and moments of extreme joy... It's all in how we define the view from there.”
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Fitting Into New Slots
You have likely heard that it is impossible to fit a square peg into a round hole. Well, some day it seems like I am that square peg. It is not that I don’t fit in anywhere, but I sometimes have a problem with the idea that I always have to fit everyone’s expectations, their mould of how things are to go or be done. Does that mean that I am a Maverick.... well, likely so. I was branded a radical as a young “Lad” a few years ago... Ok, ok, so it was more than a few years ago! I digress ( I am known for that as some of you will know)... which comes naturally for me.
It has been a stretch for me.... this new ministry. I was used to the layed-back style of rural ministry and as my friend Wayne told me, “You are not in Kansas any more Toto!” It is a bit of a culture shock to have so many needing so much .... ALL AT ONCE! But my moto has always been “one day at a time.” Now, I have to try to get it down to one item at a time as well. Things can bunch up on you, if you are not watching carefully. Since I am not as organized as some, .... Ok for all you Nay Sayers out there.... I am doing much better... thank you very much.... it takes me a tad longer to get to the mark some days, but I make it. Karen knows that my mind works in mysterious ways... more of a mystery to her most days than she would like I am sure.
So I have been kinda struggling of late. It may be due to the confusion of the move, it may be the boxes still unpacked, it may be that my new office in the home is a bathroom (no... it doesn’t have the fixtures... it barely has walls) or it may be that the idea of getting everything all done and in shape, is a daunting prospect for me just now, as I begin to think about going off to India again in February 2010.
So, am I a square peg, I wonder some days? Is it necessary for me, or anyone for that matter, to always meet some criteria which seems to be the image for the day, created in society for our family or fellowship circles. I know that my new Church Family seems very open to my newness for now, but will that continue I sometimes wonder. I am not the usual type of Pastor that is for sure!!! I come with a lot of varied experiences and some of those may lead people to think that I have answers, which I may or may not have,... but it is another slot! I love to help and that often leads to more expectations, more slots to fit into as people learn of my past .... does that mean that I should keep my past hidden? No, but it does mean that I have to be ready to examine the needs with wisdom and God’s direction before I overload my time ... or the time spent away from Karen, my family and the Church. Quests for my time often come from outside the Church and I am cautious not to tread on what I must do, in direct competition with what I am asked to do.
I guess the only slot I need really worry about is that of my faith. If I ask God everyday to give me that which He desires for my life, the strength, courage and gifts to carry it through, then I am fitting the right slots for which I am prepared and moulded by His Spirit. Each day carries with it a new set of experiences,... most are such a joy, but a few come with their own sadness to face and pray through. That is why we have such a wonderful God, who has given us a wonderful Christ, who brought such great joy at His Birth... to give us the confidence and strength to carry on each day.. on into eternity as we place our faith and trust in Him!
I wish everyone a Very Merry Christmas and a Wonderfully Happy New Year. May your slots be made for you and the joy of service bring a comfort and joy to your lives. Remember... “Living near the edge is not bad, it has moments of testing, moments of required courage and moments of extreme joy... It's all in how we define the view from there.”
It has been a stretch for me.... this new ministry. I was used to the layed-back style of rural ministry and as my friend Wayne told me, “You are not in Kansas any more Toto!” It is a bit of a culture shock to have so many needing so much .... ALL AT ONCE! But my moto has always been “one day at a time.” Now, I have to try to get it down to one item at a time as well. Things can bunch up on you, if you are not watching carefully. Since I am not as organized as some, .... Ok for all you Nay Sayers out there.... I am doing much better... thank you very much.... it takes me a tad longer to get to the mark some days, but I make it. Karen knows that my mind works in mysterious ways... more of a mystery to her most days than she would like I am sure.
So I have been kinda struggling of late. It may be due to the confusion of the move, it may be the boxes still unpacked, it may be that my new office in the home is a bathroom (no... it doesn’t have the fixtures... it barely has walls) or it may be that the idea of getting everything all done and in shape, is a daunting prospect for me just now, as I begin to think about going off to India again in February 2010.
So, am I a square peg, I wonder some days? Is it necessary for me, or anyone for that matter, to always meet some criteria which seems to be the image for the day, created in society for our family or fellowship circles. I know that my new Church Family seems very open to my newness for now, but will that continue I sometimes wonder. I am not the usual type of Pastor that is for sure!!! I come with a lot of varied experiences and some of those may lead people to think that I have answers, which I may or may not have,... but it is another slot! I love to help and that often leads to more expectations, more slots to fit into as people learn of my past .... does that mean that I should keep my past hidden? No, but it does mean that I have to be ready to examine the needs with wisdom and God’s direction before I overload my time ... or the time spent away from Karen, my family and the Church. Quests for my time often come from outside the Church and I am cautious not to tread on what I must do, in direct competition with what I am asked to do.
I guess the only slot I need really worry about is that of my faith. If I ask God everyday to give me that which He desires for my life, the strength, courage and gifts to carry it through, then I am fitting the right slots for which I am prepared and moulded by His Spirit. Each day carries with it a new set of experiences,... most are such a joy, but a few come with their own sadness to face and pray through. That is why we have such a wonderful God, who has given us a wonderful Christ, who brought such great joy at His Birth... to give us the confidence and strength to carry on each day.. on into eternity as we place our faith and trust in Him!
I wish everyone a Very Merry Christmas and a Wonderfully Happy New Year. May your slots be made for you and the joy of service bring a comfort and joy to your lives. Remember... “Living near the edge is not bad, it has moments of testing, moments of required courage and moments of extreme joy... It's all in how we define the view from there.”
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
A New Era... New Beginnings
My dear mother-in-law gave us a wall hanging years ago that read, "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." Though we have come a long way in this journey, in the past 36 years, I have always in the past and will continue in the future, to stand in amazement at how much my dear and wonderful wife will withstand during the constant calls on my life. We are now in the throws of another change and it causes us both such heart-felt concern and the struggle is greater for her than for me... it may in fact be the first days of the rest of our lives... the rest of our story.
We have discussed the idea of ministry in many areas over the years and I have always been cautioned to never say that I would never want to go here or there, in the following of a Pastoral call. Certain areas brought the most fear to our lives and have always included at first, long distances from our hometowns, then from our children, but most of all and most importantly to the big city. We see ourselves as country mice, not city mice... now where has God called me but to a city church setting and even though the dear folks there try to assure me that they are merely a rural church in a city setting, they are located in Dartmouth... a city very unfamiliar to my history... I traveled mostly in Halifax, but would not want to move there either!!!!!! So why does God, in all His wisdom and knowledge, call us to do the things which we feel the most unfit to do, call us to places most un-nerving for us, to that which seems so much larger than our being. Well, ... so we will remember that it is His will, that it is His strength that is sufficient, for when we are weak, afraid and lonely, He is strong, comforting and with always with us.
I have come to the point that I realize now more than ever before that, we must depend on what He has done for us, is doing for us and will do for us as, we go in faith and do His will. As a miracle He provided an almost new house far below its assessed value, had more taken off the price, in 12 hours, than most people could ever negotiate in real estate in a lifetime and given me gifts to assist me in the additional renovations needed to help make this house a home for Karen and myself during our stay in the area. In the midst of all this our hearts still cry out, "Are you sure Lord this is what we must do?" We reflect the image of the human heart who cries out in disbelief, that Paul spoke of. We want to do, but can't... we don't want to continue this way, but we do... so have a spiritual battle continuing within. The only way to win that battle is to march toward the enemy (like young David against Goliath) we have visualized, pick up the stones along the way and be ready for battle; as God always wins. I think I am ready for the wounds of the conflict by this time, yet they still hurt for the moment. But Christ invites to follow him, by picking up the cross daily and following Him.
So, we venture forth in faith. We believe in our souls that as God calls He provides and rather than continue to second guess our decision we march to the tune of "Great Is Thy Faithfulness..." I will be adding to the blog to have a record of the trip down this new road. It will lead us even closer to the edge I am sure, but as I have always stated, “Living near the edge is not bad, it has moments of testing, moments of required courage and moments of extreme joy... It's all in how we define the view from there.”
Blessings as you tread your own paths and live near the edge in your own lives. God will richly bless.
We have discussed the idea of ministry in many areas over the years and I have always been cautioned to never say that I would never want to go here or there, in the following of a Pastoral call. Certain areas brought the most fear to our lives and have always included at first, long distances from our hometowns, then from our children, but most of all and most importantly to the big city. We see ourselves as country mice, not city mice... now where has God called me but to a city church setting and even though the dear folks there try to assure me that they are merely a rural church in a city setting, they are located in Dartmouth... a city very unfamiliar to my history... I traveled mostly in Halifax, but would not want to move there either!!!!!! So why does God, in all His wisdom and knowledge, call us to do the things which we feel the most unfit to do, call us to places most un-nerving for us, to that which seems so much larger than our being. Well, ... so we will remember that it is His will, that it is His strength that is sufficient, for when we are weak, afraid and lonely, He is strong, comforting and with always with us.
I have come to the point that I realize now more than ever before that, we must depend on what He has done for us, is doing for us and will do for us as, we go in faith and do His will. As a miracle He provided an almost new house far below its assessed value, had more taken off the price, in 12 hours, than most people could ever negotiate in real estate in a lifetime and given me gifts to assist me in the additional renovations needed to help make this house a home for Karen and myself during our stay in the area. In the midst of all this our hearts still cry out, "Are you sure Lord this is what we must do?" We reflect the image of the human heart who cries out in disbelief, that Paul spoke of. We want to do, but can't... we don't want to continue this way, but we do... so have a spiritual battle continuing within. The only way to win that battle is to march toward the enemy (like young David against Goliath) we have visualized, pick up the stones along the way and be ready for battle; as God always wins. I think I am ready for the wounds of the conflict by this time, yet they still hurt for the moment. But Christ invites to follow him, by picking up the cross daily and following Him.
So, we venture forth in faith. We believe in our souls that as God calls He provides and rather than continue to second guess our decision we march to the tune of "Great Is Thy Faithfulness..." I will be adding to the blog to have a record of the trip down this new road. It will lead us even closer to the edge I am sure, but as I have always stated, “Living near the edge is not bad, it has moments of testing, moments of required courage and moments of extreme joy... It's all in how we define the view from there.”
Blessings as you tread your own paths and live near the edge in your own lives. God will richly bless.
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