Some Old Flames and First Loves

Try as we might, we never totally forget those first loves, those old flames, that once lit were ever to be part of your memory’s landscape, past and present. They can be any number of people, or even things that just seem to touch life and add something special; a new interest, a lifelong lesson or a new zest for living. I thought today about some of those flames and how they often affect those around me.

It is odd how some of the joys of life can stick like glue in your mind’s eye. I have tucked away some of those moments and experiences that perhaps even changed the course of my life. I am not one to work on the theory of chance, as many of you will know… life places in the greater picture what it is meant to be, with a sprinkle of freedom of choice thrown in to keep us fine-tuned and always aware of the best course to take. It is not always fun to examine ourselves, and I must say that down through the years I have had many the opportunities to do just that… I have gone to the edge and looked into the abyss and though; “This is not a comfortable place to be!”… it sharpens our sense of identity if we let it.

On the lighter side; I remember back some 55 years to my primary grade teacher, Miss Doleman. Life back then should be, you would think, simple. But for many the person who steps out of the comfort of home, to the world of peer pressure and the cruelties of life outside, there needs to be a champion, a mentor; that someone who can make the difference between success and failure in the “stepping out” process. That was Miss Doleman. For a 5 year old turned loose in a new world, she was the perfect guide to make the pathway smoother… she was my first love! Ha! Mom and Dad even took us for drives down toward Lockeport on Sunday afternoons and threatened to take me in to visit her, just because I talked about her all the time! Those first loves are so important!

Now one of those experiences that burned some great pictures into my mind, is the occasion of the spring burning; the raging fires on the Allen homestead. I can remember Dad deciding when was to be just the right evening for the fire. It would be totally frowned upon today in many places, but it had a practical application, in that is kept the fleas and wood ticks back from around the house. We were located in the fringe part of the town and surrounded by woods (forest) and burning in my Mom’s eyes was always tricky. But this was Dad’s domain, a man thing, carried forward from years of historic burns that lit the night sky around the neighbourhoods of his childhood and our little community! Ha! What a rush. Many the night Mom would panic with the words planted on the end of her tongue. “Morton… do we need to call the fire department!... It looks so fierce!” But Dad always assured her that it couldn’t go anywhere and would then sneak off to get some wet brush to beat it down and try to keep it under control.  We never lost the battle once, though it did seem scary to me I will admit these 50 years later.

Not all fires were barn burners! Nope! One afternoon my brother and I, with perhaps a couple of the neighbourhood friends, decided to have a “little” campfire in the old car we played in in the back field. Now this was strictly prohibited! But, we thought we could just have a little fire, be like adults on a camp-out and no one would ever be the wiser. Well, it seems we didn’t quite get the fire out. A spark lodged in the seat of that old car and when we were getting ready for bed that night, we happened to glance out the upstairs window and voila; a finger of smoke emanating from the old car. There was nothing to be done then but to face the consequences. On Dad’s arrival home from work that night he saw the smoke and put out the remains of the fire and lit one on our butts a few minutes later. Now those experiences are real life lessons!

Not all of the first time experiences were negative. Back in about 1958, Mom decided that we needed a facelift on the Ohio Road and hired a couple of carpenters to renovate the homestead. The talented duo were patient, tactful and full of great stories when they took a short “cuppa”, while trying to avoid Mom’s new “thoughts about just minor changes”, which seemed to steer the ship of advancement some days! LOL! One of the guys was Cecil“DeMoliter” and I called him mister “demolisher” and of course he countered with me being named, “Dennis the Mennace”! I became fast friends with Cecil and Claude and just a few years later, when I was more able to swing a hammer and actually hit a nail, they put me to work on little jobs about the community when they worked there. That became the first swing of the hammer, my first taste of another small “L” love that has lasted even to this day… carpentry and woodwork!

But, you know there are other loves in our lives. These true loves should mean so much to us that they change the course of life, and make us into tangible forces of manhood, womanhood and parenthood. I am not implying that we never make mistakes and regret some decisions, but love should be foundational to a solid life of growth and positive interaction with others. A further to that, is our relationship with God. John wrote from his vision on Patmos to the Church at Ephesus (Revelation 2:4), “Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.” This warning to the Church and its people was real. In life we wax and wane with the times and occasions. There are days when we incline our hearts to our faith, and there are days when life drags us to the hinterlands of isolation and declining interest in all that is Godly! Those are the days when our hearts hear the Spirit’s plea… “Don’t forget your first love!” No, it is not Miss Doleman… it is the God who heard my cries as I sat on the stone gate post on the Ohio Road some 56 or 57 years back, when I was only 3 or 4 years of age… Calling out to Him… “God! God! God!” My mother’s inquiry about this was answered with a short retort, “I just needed to talk to Him!” There are days like that even at this juncture in life. I just need to talk to Him and have Him either light a new fire in my heart or put out some old smoldering coals of something better forgotten.

It’s where we allow our minds and hearts to go each day, that makes all the difference. Years ago I was not one to dwell on the past; I felt it could slow me down and anchor me in a place where I was not happy. Today, I value the past. I can see its significance, rising up toward the future, and I rehearse the important things that have add substance to what has become a rich and varied life that, even though it may have had its moments, will turn into something of value to a loving God if I let Him guide me through what is left of its living. So it is that “living near the edge”, has been both great and frightening, while also being both uplifting and disheartening, but it has always been a learning experience. Stepping out near the edge is what I do, because I need the challenge? No, I am most often taken there by my personality and the path that leads some days where I am not expected to go. It has its challenges, but it all depends how you view the perspective from there! Blessings for your day, and perhaps as you rehearse those old flames and first loves, it may do your heart good to live near the edge for a few minutes!

Ok!… Here’s Your Chance…Throw Me A Kiss!

Growing up with a Mom who was very ill by times, I knew that kissing was something that wasn't going to happen much. But, as I remember it, she did throw kisses. One winter day as I struggled to plant a spruce tree for Mom in the lower garden, so that she could see it from her window… she threw me a kiss. Our children growing up were taught to throw kisses to Grandmas, Aunts and all sorts of relatives and friends, as we were leaving to return home. That has been a tradition still carried on by our own children and grandchildren, as with many families I am sure. There is a meaning to every kiss thrown.

First and foremost it should always mean to show love. I remember someone telling me that when a kiss was thrown to a favourite member of their family, they always made the motion of catching it and putting it in their pocket. This signified that it was important and could be retrieved, enabling them to relive the joy of the kiss over and over again, until that person returned for another visit.

Second, the thrown kiss may show caring thoughtfulness. In ministry especially the joke is that a pastor’s spouse will throw a kiss to signify that perhaps people are getting anxious and the sermon or Bible study is getting a bit too long! It is always done subtly, but does tell us something; there is a balance needed and time elements of delivery may not align with everyone’s attention span… especially if it is a difficult topic. Even though Karen has joked about it, she never once in the 27 years of sermons has thrown me a kiss. Of course she is biased! LOL But there may have been times when she looked quietly at her watch to remind me that a Bible study was going a bit over, even though I was deep in contextual explanations.

I have to chuckle at the times that it has been mentioned in various contexts by different folks on very different occasions. I had a rather “intentionally direct” member of a congregation add subtlety to his bag of tricks, when he set his watch alarm to go off at the sharp top of the hour. I let him go on for some time thinking that someone would ask him to turn it off previous to the service, but no one ever did. So, I boldly asked him one day, “Why the alarm?” He smiled and said calmly, “It is just a gentle reminder that the service time is up!” Our family laughed about that for years, but the truth was that something was being said in that alarm. It was the “Kiss” principle. Keep it short stupid!

Now my wife would disagree with that always being the take on the “kiss” principle. She would sometime interpret it as, “keep it simple sweetie”, especially if I ranged into the more technical side of a Bible Study on the theology of the Paul in Romans for an example. So, what am I saying this morning? Does the “Kiss” principle have a good reason to be put into practice? Well,… yes. Now there, I have conceded a point that I have not always wanted to give up on in my life. My mind will lead me down paths of recollection and philosophy that sometimes can overwhelm the most avid of readers. (I use caution here to not use the term reader, not follower, for to follow me is an error; make sure you are followers of Christ.) I have been known to be overly verbose at times. I do try to be reasonably to the point, but sometimes though, I admit that I just let my thoughts flow.

In India, I have a few times been challenged to keep it short. It has not always been a simple task and the request was received so that someone who was there for the first time, might have opportunity to speak first. I often felt like I was getting the leftovers, as schedules need to be strictly kept and time then ran short for me to lecture properly. You have to understand the culture there and their sense of timing. LOL. But, I was being asked to make the lecture shorter as a way of accommodating other’s needs. During those times I sometimes tried to evaluate my reason for going all that distance and what it is that God was trying to accomplish through me, if I was not allowed the time to do a good job at teaching, with both depth and Spiritual challenge.  A friend there told me that it was because I could accomplish the task no matter the time allotted and I didn't need not follow a script… it flowed from God’s presence, after years of the faithful study and practice. I think he was overdoing it, but the challenge is always before me. It is when I am spiritually challenged that God picks up the pieces and carries me through the work. My job is to present the facts, the subtleties of the Word and help others to better understand the dynamics of faith… in total dependence on Him, not encumbered with the worries of time and schedule.

You see, the team perhaps felt that I was one of the faithful sureties. They knew that I was there each year and could do the task at hand. That is the way God works. He enables those He sends, who suddenly feel unsure; He equips them for the tasks at hand, no matter the trials along the way. It is never easy to face the challenges, when expectations are not met, or cast off self-doubt when we feel less than equal to the task, after hours of preparation and then be confronted perhaps, as the parameters change. God is in the down moments, as well as the peaks of joy and satisfaction we find in the victories. Get ready for the “Kisses” that may come in life… they will come!

Finally the thrown kiss may have a level of threat. My heart sinks when I know that many use this form of what should always be loving and kind gesture, for something else. Now-a-days there may be other gestures thrown in there, but nothing good ever comes of the emotions that provoke these responses toward another person. I often wonder if it wasn't very similar with Judas, when he signified who Jesus was to the guards, when they came to arrest him before his trial and death. Even though he would have directly kissed Jesus on the cheek, perhaps it would have been that same emotion, that same disdain, which drives people to react with such thoughtlessness.

So today I have a question for those who have made it this far. Do you feel that you need to throw me a “Kiss”?  No, I don’t mean the mean and nasty .. lol… although if that is how you fell, I don’t mind getting feedback from readers no matter the context. I have had some good stuff, along with a few not so gentle criticisms in my day… all in a life’s work I say. While I may take the high road and continue to follow what God is leading me to do, I can perhaps add more of my life’s experiences, talk about my many travels (Oh my… I have had lots!) and try to do a better job blending in the meaning of life, in Christ, through those experiences (if you feel that I am falling down there). My plan though, is to continue to write from the edge. I have no desire to take the easy path… that would be just plain out of context for me and I don’t want to let my kids down…LOL... they are too used to me being off the wall, out to lunch, and as my oldest daughter lovingly puts it, “Dad you are such a freak!”

So come back and connect with the challenges, the fun I poke at collections of life’s experiences, trials, and disappointments, but most of all the joys, as we walk toward God’s blessing, while living near the edge. Not comfortable at this point? Hey, it is always in how you define the view from there! Blessings for your day and always! 

It's Sudden Death In Overtime!

Having played High School hockey one season, I learned that sudden death in overtime was exactly what it sounded like. As the clock was reset to 5 minutes, the pressure to out-perform and defeat the competition was the ultimate goal… or was the ultimate “goal”, the ultimate way to defeat… oh bother… it was one or the other I am sure. So out ran the seconds, until one or the other of the teams got the puck tucked into the crease and into the net; after much boarding, checking, tripping and all-out war on the ice. It usually came with lots of name-calling; a verbal punishment, thought to distract the competition long enough to steal the prize, and outright fouls to gain a few seconds away from the pressure, giving time to take those few extra breaths to suck in just a bit more air. And last but not least… let’s pull the goalie! Wow… What a game! But, somebody had to win… right? I never could positively gauge who the best team was… now who put forth the best effort that was different! It seems that since teams are made up of members, each had to be the best every day and that was not always easy. There were injuries, personal problems and distractions outside the game that they carried onto the ice, and of course team dynamics… ah… nothing worse than jealousy, and resentment to knock the stuffing out of an otherwise good line.

So it is in life. It seems, as time creeps on, that there may be more indications that we may go into overtime after all. I hear lots of people arguing that the end is near and since there hasn't been anyone who has got it right thus far, I am thinking that God’s plan of “sudden death overtime” is more to the mark. We are challenged on every side to do what is right. The battle for truth is like the battle for right… what is truth and who is right? Well… now that is the ultimate set of questions! Eugene Peterson once told me that it is simply a matter of decision making for people. It is that simple… we decide for ourselves what shall be the truth we adhere to, and that is what makes what is being done, right. When we choose the Christian faith, our route in life becomes our “way of life”, not just a guarantee to eternal bliss. The battles are still going on all around us, confronting us on every side. Don’t agree? Think back over the past few days. How many times have you been disappointed, wanted to shout in anger or perhaps just wanted to give up in defeat? There are lots of emotions that I could name, but each carries with it the challenge to stay on the path we have chosen to take, no matter how hard and how rough that path may be moment by moment.

The Bible says that the war is not over yet and I lean toward that thought. Only God can win this one. Having tripped and fallen more than once in life, I know that I am neither strong enough nor smart enough to win this for me. Without Him and the blessing of the “Christ” this ol’ tent of flesh would just be another casualty of the war. So I cling to the “Old Rugged Cross”, so to speak. What Christ accomplished there for me is more than I could ever dream of and it wasn't just for me. Oh, I know… it is up to each to make up his or her own mind for themselves. That’s freedom right?

So what is God doing? He is giving us the prescribed periods, set forth in this life event, to make the right moves, follow the proper strategy and make every attempt to attain the “proper” goals. Then, when there seems to be no end in sight He will call “A Sudden Death Overtime”. Not a good analogy? Well, I work with the simple theory… one of those “Kiss” principles… keep it simple stupid! In that time the true winner will be Christ and He will give those, who may still be doubters, an opportunity to repent, Those who don’t will just be on another defeated team. Who wouldn't want to be on the team who has the ultimate player, the foremost athlete, the strongest, yet most selfless team-member, who has shown his ability to win, even when it looks like defeat is imminent? That sudden death overtime can be scary, but it is like being afraid of the dark. If we are not prepared for the darkness to fall, by knowing that there is nothing to fear, we will certainly feel a stressful discomfort as it nears.

I’ve been playing on Christ’s team for a long time. I have not always been the best team member and have carried my personal trials on and off the ice more than once and have even been sidelined with injuries caused by my own folly. To say that I don’t deserve to be on the team would be correct, but for one thing… no one is. That is the beauty of God’s grace. As much as I fall down, He expects me to get up and go at it again, a little humbler than before maybe, but equipped with the same armour as everyone else. That is if I do my part and follow the path, the plan or the strategy, that leads to the ultimate goal. It takes teamwork to. There is no place here for one-man teams in this game. There is especially no place for team members to outthink the Coach. And when it comes time to get on with the game, the only thing on our minds should be the strategy set out for us… this is not the time to fear the outcome or second guess Him who has knowledge of every move the enemy will make.  If I “FEAR” the overtime game I am depending on what I can do, not on what God has already done. After all what is there that God can’t do?

The thing that alarms me most, even for our Christian family, is that even though there may be a struggle with some about both God’s omnipotence and His omniscience… whether we like it or not we serve a Sovereign God. If you get stuck on those big words take time to Google them… it will do your soul good! This weekend we have celebrated one of the great Seasons of the Christian calendar year. God, incarnate with us, showed His love by dying for us, paying the price for sin past present and future, for those who will love and serve Him (See John 3:16) and then gave us the hope of eternal life with him as he was resurrected from the grave. Some will struggle with walking out that far into their belief system today and in future. For me it is a matter of course, a set my choice patterns along my path in a “living” faith. Living on the edge may be tenuous at times, but I have always been a bit of a radical from the old world’s point of view… or so my father always said! LOL… It is always just in how you define the view from there!

As Much As It Depends On You

Growing up in rural Nova Scotia in the 50’s was a blast. Post war North America had its challenges, but hey, we were on the road to change. The nuances of the family model, the dynamics of sovereignty over liberty and the rush to modernize a society, shaken by economic and philosophical disasters, were all part of the great picture. Wow… that was a mouth full. I wonder if I actually know what that all means. Ha… In other words… there really was change in the air. That generation wanted something better for family, and was willing to go over their heads in debt and competition to do so. They felt the inalienable right to freedom and were willing to do whatever it took to keep it… that was after 2 world wars… never to be fought again. Who knew… wars had been going on since Cain and Abel and for all the wrong reasons and are still going on today! What about those “Holy Wars”… now there is a conflict of terms. Again I digress. Like no other generation for decades, we had the options that were now available to us for good health, good schools, better homes, new cars… and STUFF!

It was all part of that time. I am not sure when someone penned the term keeping up with the Jones’, but I am certain it must have been early on in “Biblical terms” for sure. What we often failed to see, was the constant barrage of “one-upmanship” that was taking place. Oh, I don’t mean to say that we were totally unaware of it, but with contempt for past struggles from our parents, youth now labouring to make a difference and the eyes of a new generation of youth opened to all there was to ask for “now”, what an impact change made. Why back then I even thought some of my neighbours seemed to be able to get it all. Of course I could too, but on a different level or so I thought at the time. What we couldn’t see was the internal struggles that all these changes created, on all parts of family and society… some good and others not.

I loved the story I heard some time ago. An old lady who came to the grocery store was confronted by a young clerk who seemed to blame past generations for all the ills of the “now” generation. The little old lady defended herself with the joys of a simpler life and expounded on the variety of hardships that were just a matter of course for her youth… Well… maybe you had to read it yourself to appreciate the validity of its argument. Each generation seems to somehow love to place the blame elsewhere in some quarters of life. Somehow we forget that each generation has its dose of the “gimmies”. We want to have the “better” life, the healthier body, the more secure future and sometimes are willing to pay the piper to exact the price. Oops… did I digress again? LOL

I’ve been sitting here with my Bible, reflecting on those ideas this morning. Yes, even former Pastors need to refuel and keep their eyes and hearts tuned to God’s will, every moment of every day. I was reading about Paul’s take, as he writes back to the people in the church in Galatia. It seems to be that there is a personal responsibility that must always be considered in daily life. There is no sweeping that charge under the mat, and it creates a pile of stress for many people in a “me” society. I know that many would say, “it is where we are today, but hey… let’s not ignore our past generations completely.” It seems that too often we somehow get caught in those old ideas, that things were better back then or the proposition that the world has always been going to the dogs. Somewhere in the midst of all this there is the “constant” … the human factor… we’ve always had; that word again… the “gimmies”.

A phrase that has often made me feel a bit unsettled down through the years, found in Romans 12:18, and stated in various ways in the breadth of modern translations is… “as much as it depends on you…”. Wow… nothing like pouring on a bit of pressure here Paul. Eugene Peterson in his paraphrase of the Bible puts it a bit differently; “… If you’ve got it in you…”. This variation in expressions may help us fathom out (ok so I used a nautical term here, meaning to explore its depths) where our responsibility lies. We have been taught, in religious terms, that God provides the way… He always has, right? Well, yes… but that is not the whole answer. He has always given His creation the choice, the option to follow or get left behind. Some would say, “Where is the love in that?” But God is “Sovereign”; not like our childhood desire to be “king of the castle”, and He does have a way of exacting His will and it is His right to do so, as King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I know those are somewhat archaic terms to many, but nonetheless important in our dialogue here. I know there is not a parent out there who has not experienced giving their child a rule or guideline and then stood by, knowing all along that the child would do whatever they wanted behind their backs, while saying nothing, so the child will learn from their mistakes. We bring children into this world and we do our best (I hope) to guide them to that which will enlarge their lives in positive and moral directions toward a better life… and if we have known the “Truth” we will have undergirded it with Christ! So why do we get excited when God says “no” and then lets stuff happen. He is the parent of humanity! One day, the Word tells us, whether we are ready or not, there will be a face to face with life… not past, but eternal. God, for His reasons, gets His way and all He has asked of us is love and obedience.

Personally, I sometimes wish that the matter was out of our hands all together. Wouldn’t it be nice to wake up in the morning and never have to worry about the problems of this ol’ world? From the planet’s hungry, to the disappearing rain forests and the melting of the polar caps; not to mention the little things that annoy us and cause those moments of grief from day to day, or perhaps a few of those grey hairs that appear from nowhere, once the crawlers turn to toddlers, then to teens while they are still only 10, and so on. Life in general can be hard to handle. Even the workplace is no longer a safe haven in terms of a guaranteed security as the dynamic of change creates a “fluid society” in every aspect of that term. Everything is in motion and that fluidity can cause economic growth and decline in almost the same breath. But, life and faith does not work that way. When things fall apart we still go on and I see that being necessary in practical terms, as well as faith, being lived out every day.

It would assist us to re-read the tenets of our faith from time to time. I love the portion that James writes in chapter 2, verses 14 to 22. He reminds us there that we don’t have the freedom or the right, to close off the rest of the world and live just to ourselves. There is no escaping the accountability that is always before us, in terms of our love “shining forth” in more than a few kind words (and for those of us who love to go the extra step and add to that a warm hug) before ushering the “wanting” of this world on their way.

So, it seems that every day there will be the tide of responsibility before us. Changes needing to be made will seem to be insurmountable, for the leadership in business, the political arena, but also in the home. My thought is that it took us generations (innumerable) to get to this state and it may take a whole lot more to straighten it all out… not taking it back to a simpler life with a primitive lifestyle, but saving and restoring, if possible the goodness that is a given potential. Here comes that kicker... It is tied to that phrase that can upset the weary and challenge the busy, “As much as it depends on you!” That’s the hardest part of all. It is more like living on the edge than anything else I have experienced in daily life… not bad; it just depends on how you define the view, and in this case the responsibility, from there.

On Cramming for the Finals

The phrase “If you don’t, you won’t” still haunts me… Teachers, parents and fellow students all had their own take on that phrase. I remember hearing my Dad use the little rhyme, “If you do it when you get to it, you may never get to it, to get at it again!” Wow… a breakthrough in mainline philosophy... yet is sticks in my craw along with many of the adages that haunt me from childhood and those formative years in school and later on in my 14 years of university study. Yes… I was a slow learner. It took me 32 years to decide that I actually was supposed to go to university after all; even though one of my mentors in high school told me it would be better for me to just go out and be a good mechanic. Of course Dad would hear none of that and he stuck to the “Pastor” dream even when I had no idea he thought that way until some 15 years later! I digress!… LOL! In high school the thought process was always, you need to study more and cram for finals. I guess I missed the handing out of that trait the day they were being distributed in class. My theory was always listen in class, do the homework while still in school, be ready to play any sport and well… can I admit this… strut your stuff for the girls. My thoughts were, sports and girls were most important in my educational preparation for life.

Well, that theory lasted about 10 minutes. I was good at sports and even won the coveted best all around athlete in high school one year. Then something happened… responsibility set in. Yup, it has a way of taking over where high ideals thought that they had the upper hand. So, I had work to do. Along with the challenges of small “p” political involvement in school, there was the work outside, in after school labour at the local grocery store. I spent about 9 years there through teenage and married life in various levels of the job. But, I couldn't seem to find the right fit. I entered the business world and then in the mid 80’s I finally felt called to what Dad identified as, my true life’s work. Ha! “Dad… couldn't you have said something sooner!”… “No…I knew you needed to prepare first!” It was like a call to cram for the finals all over again.

Did I say that I crammed for finals? Well, perhaps I had better set the record straight on that while I am at it. All that talk about doing so, was one day dashed to its final end, when a favorite teacher gave an insight that suited me to a tee! His take was this…"what you accomplish in cramming is very little… do the work through the year… understand what you read and are taught, as you go through life, and you will be able to write the finals without cramming. The night before the finals go out and take in a movie, go on a date, (like ya… that was gonna happen! LOL) but don’t cram… it just proves that you can memorize and not necessarily understand the work."

So off I went to university. Still holding to the theory of my favourite teacher, I held to the task of sitting in the front row, with open mind and listening ears. I did my work as much in advance as I could while trying to be there for my wife Karen, bringing up 3 children, starting immediate part-time pastoral work and doing part-time electrical work to help augment the cost of university. Oh, did I mention I took 7 courses that first year. So... they tell me that I made the dean’s list that year… who cared… the work was just beginning. The funny part was that I was at the same time, on academic probation because I had not done so well in high school…LOL! Ah yes, cramming for the finals never worked for me!

If we lived life the way we thought it always worked, what a stew we would be in. I have friends who I have been praying for down through the years. They are in the bracket of those who prefer to cram. You know the type. “I don’t have time now”, or “I am going to but need to find myself first”. I met a man one day who said, “ The things I have done in life (in times of war) God could never forgive me for” What he was saying was that he couldn’t forgive himself. That is sometimes the challenge. But the biggest stumbling block is the excuse … “not now Lord… I am too busy”, “I will later… I want to live my own way now… there will be lots of time later on in life”. Like those exams of old, life tends to bring what we least expect to the table. It seemed every year that those exams held topics and questions that we had never covered in class… which of course is the case. We are responsible to read the literature and understand the themes, concepts and meaning of what is being covered between the pages. That can be a whole life's work!

So life has its final exam too! Cramming is not good effort or practice. I am glad that with the finals always before us, we can have the option of spending our time in constant review, but also more importantly to take time to rejoice, worship, confess and fellowship with Him who marks the final when it is examined. Don’t lose track of where you are in the final semester by leaving it all to the night before… we don’t know when that will night come. Living on the edge takes constant preparation, but hey… it is all about enjoying the view from there!

Out For The Day… I’ve Gone Away…. “NOT!”

Life has a way of bringing its most unexpected challenges, when we are not ready. Just when we think that all that could happen has happened, another swat from nowhere can take its toll on our everyday existence. That is not to say that it shouldn’t happen. Our nature, being that of human, and for the most part predominantly in favour of immortality, just seems to negate the idea of something more happening. Not having total control just goes against the grain of that ideal we set for ourselves… the dream of attaining the “satisfying life”. Yes, life goes its own pathway sometimes and we cling to the straws of hope and end up having to go along for the ride.

Some will have noticed that it has been over a year since I last entered a new chapter in my blog. Much water has flowed under the bridge in that time. Many will know that while in India in 2012 I contracted an e-coli bug that sent me for a loop. I had only been there for about 5 days, on our 17 day trip, and my lectures were just beginning. Having already made 3 previous trips and not having any problems with the food or water, I naturally felt that God had placed a wall of protection around my system. Yet, this trip was fraught with illness among the team members, far more than in other years. I was not the only team member hospitalized, though the only lecturer over the 4 years of visits to India. I struggled to continue after release from the hospital and was able to complete the lectures, though much diminished in capacity and energy. I finished the tour and returned home to immediate hospitalization again and spent many long months struggling to get my strength back, only to discover that it may take 12 to 18 months perhaps for my system to recovery satisfactorily. Consequently, I was not able to go back to India in 2013 and am waiting for the Lord to direct any further trips in future.

Strangely, many of my friends and family have taken the subjective approach to the situation with the thought that this is a good thing. Not my illness, but that it has shown that overseas travel in such primitive surrounds is not always a good thing. I on the other hand, will echo the thoughts of a former missionary who when asked about the fear of perhaps dying, while in service in such a difficult country, answered that he had no fear, he had died before he left home. We need to understand that God does not call and then send His people unprepared… even for death. We must die to self, daily; otherwise we cannot be truly in service to our Lord and King… we will always cling to some element of self-need or identification… that desire to live forever on our terms not His. Human nature calls us to equip ourselves and God calls us to let go and let Him equip us… all else is in vain.

So over the past year I will admit that I have had good days and bad days. Yes, I have hit low days of depression and struggled to remember that in all of this there is something greater than what my concerns are. Thankfully, over the past months, I have pictured the face of Jesus and heard Him say, “Yet not my will, but Thine be done!” It has been a journey that I would not have desired to take, but one that has been worth the taking nevertheless. It has made me look at another perspective of living near the edge and remembering that doing so is not always bad… it just depends on how we define the view while living there.

I thank you for your prayers during this journey through illness. I thank you taking the time to read my journal. I thank God for His love for His creation and for caring for those who are the disenfranchised and forgotten in this world. I pray that God will raise me up again to more work for Him in India, if that is His will. Until then I will pray for others and continue to share my thoughts and life journal with those who care to read and faithfully labour in the vineyard here at home.

Blessings!

The Place Where We Begin

I remember in my youth building caves in the piles of snow that were accumulated by the plowing of our driveway, or by the clearing of a path to the house, through snow drifts . These large heaps of snow afforded us the space to make caverns and tunnels, which much to the worry of my dear mother were favorites for hideaways for hours on end. There was always the warning, "Be careful, it will cave in and that will be the end of you!". But even though there were those frequent mishaps, I always seemed to survive the collapse, and the end, but I could never understand why all that work need be destroyed so quickly. That was just childhood folly... we spent hours rebuilding again.

In discussing Psalm 22:1, Denis Lane, director of Overseas Missionary Fellowship, wrote that when the roof caves in, the first question that often comes to us is the same question Jesus asked: My God, my God, why…?”

Lane said: Asking the question is perfectly natural. We all ask it. There is nothing wrong, but that is usually the place where we begin.… God does not always answer our “why” questions, but He does understand our asking them. Jesus was given no answering voice as He hung upon the cross.… The resurrection was still three days in the future.

I wish that I could say that the roof has never caved in, but that is not the case. Through the years there have been moments that I felt the weight of the roof as it fell on my shoulders with a roaring crash. Some years ago when told that I may have Thyroid Cancer and would need some drastic surgery, my heart was broken and my life held the weight of the coming crash. We all have those moments. But God is in those moments with us.

My life did not end... hence I am here writing today. Nor did I in the end need to have some radical surgeries. God was in the midst of answering prayers, He was at work changing sickness into health, He was healing me to go do other things. I know what Lane meant about our cries being heard, but not having them necessarily being answered immediately. There has to be a place from which we begin... a place where we give it all to God and let it be what He wants it to be... without losing hope.

Years ago I had to let go of my mother, as she went away to the "cure" for T.B. for a whole year. It was a time of testing. She held us at arms length and told us that Mommy has to go away, but that she would be back. Our tears of fear were there and my little heart cried out in my own way; "My God, my God, why?" (I was known to sit on the front granite gate post at a very early age of around 3-4 and talk to God.) Even then, a child's heart can grasp the concept of one greater who hears our cries, our petitions and our general conversations. Was it mere chance that God would speak to one so small? Was it mere circumstance that brings a settled soul to the edge and expects that soul to be calm, non-resistant and accepting of what may be?

This is the place we sometimes find ourselves... the place where we begin. Many will ask, begin what? Begin to let go. That is the difficult part of the exercise. Letting go of that which we can not change. Being willing to accept that which is before us, yet ready to live life faithfully to the end. There is no secret formula. Most would not recognize the ingredients until they were faced with the conundrum before them. Looking into the face of that which you can not change is humbling, yet strength comes not in the resolve to conquer, but in the release. A peace that enables the pain, even of the cure.

Well, life is a joy most days, when we let go and see the morning mists and watch the sunsets and be reminded that it is all for us. Imagine that... all for us! So if the sunrises and sunsets are for us, so are the storms, the disasters and disappointments... they are all for us to experience and begin again. This morning as I strolled down to the waterfront, just a few feet from our house... I had to begin again... a new resolve to be happy, be content and let go and allow God to finish His work begun in me.

Yes... each sunrise is living on the edge.. the edge of another coming day and each sunset the edge of another day at its end... awaiting a new dawn... a new edge! Blessings!